


Undoing

by singingpeople



Category: Divergent (Movies), Divergent - All Media Types, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2018-11-01 12:02:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 42,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10921422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singingpeople/pseuds/singingpeople
Summary: If you had to choose between faction loyalty and your family, which one would it be? Which one becomes your undoing?





	1. Chapter 1

_He says, "Oh, baby girl, don't get cut on my edges_  
I'm the king of everything and oh, my tongue is a weapon  
There's a light in the crack that's separating your thighs  
And if you wanna go to heaven you should fuck me tonight."

_Halsey - Young god_

**I had woken up wrapped in a pair of sturdy arms,** making it almost impossible to get up from the king size bed and untangle myself from the black silk sheets without waking him in the process. But since I found myself almost every morning in this quite compromising position, school day or not, I had mastered the art of stealthily slipping out of his apartment.

Gathering my clothes from the floor where we had scattered them the night before in the throngs of passion, I spared the man I love one last glance before walking on tiptoes out of his spacious flat, silently laughing to myself when I spotted his folded boxer shorts sitting neatly in the laundry basket.

 

I was so used to stealing myself back home in the early hours of the morning that I didn’t even consider it a walk of shame anymore, not that a little gossip would have bothered me either way. I wasn’t even the only one doing so. Every time I met another girl she´d most likely wink at me and tell me well done instead of lowering her head in shame. The only thing dauntless did more than fighting was fucking.

And I wasn’t an exception.

 

Instead of going through half of the male population, I stayed with one guy – one that would literally kill anybody who´d dare lay a single finger on me since I was and I quote the exact words _“His”_.

Snorting, I rolled my eyes thinking about how he pulled me away from the pit, hauling me over his shoulder carrying me up to his flat less than a week ago on the evening after our aptitude test because I was dancing with an intoxicated Uriah – one of my best friends, what he knew might I add.

I had been more than just a little pissed that he interrupted my night of celebration out of pure spite that I wasn’t paying enough attention to him but the second he took me against his door with my skirt bunched around my hip, his pants just hanging low on his hips I forgave him. It was also the moment I decided that jealous sex was even better than angry sex.

Even though I had to hide the bite marks from all my friends the whole last week of school and especially from my brother, it had been worth it.

Biting my lip, I still felt his abs ripple with his every movement, his tattooed arms holding me securely against the bulletproof steel door of his apartment. Sometimes I thought he really overdid it with his paranoia, making sure his flat was basically a fortress. But his more than questionable quirks were just another thing that made me love him.

 

I knew the compound like the back of my hand, so it didn’t take me long to arrive at home, my legs carrying me the right way even though my mind was far away. Making sure no one saw me, I tipped in the code, throwing the door open. Wiping my shoes on the doormat, I stripped out of my jacket, already hearing the promising clattering of pots in the kitchen. Even though my brother had already moved out, with him being four years older than me, our home was rarely quiet, just how I liked it.

 

My parents were the epitome of dauntless, always loud and never shy of confrontation, not someone you´d mess with. They were rambunctious and could drink like fish, but they were always supporting and loving, just like family should be.

In fact, this whole faction and all the people here were home, a giant dysfunctional family that threatened to shoot each other over the turkey on thanksgiving –I couldn’t imagine something more beautiful.

 

The smell of bacon and pancakes pulled me out of my spontaneous melancholic episode and I rolled my eyes at myself, not being used getting so sentimental. It was most likely just the fact that I had to choose my faction tomorrow because even though I knew exactly where I belonged, an extremely tiny part of me was still hesitant.

I guess you could never be one hundred percent sure, at least that´s what I told myself.

 

My mother was standing in the kitchen turning the pancakes with a spatula, only sparing me a small glance when I sat down on the counter in front of her. Laying my chin on my folded hands, I watched her pouring another patch of batter into the pan which only earned me a raised eyebrow from her.

“So,” She started, only half turning towards me. “how was Macy´s?”

 

"You know," I answered in a purposely cheery voice, waving my hand around in the air. “Same old, same old.”

 

“Right.” Mom drawled before turning back towards the pan. Turning off the stove, she grabbed a plate piled with three pancakes, a dab of cream and strawberries on top, setting the rare deliciousness down in front of me. “Did you have a fight?”

 

Furrowing my brows, I stared at her while picking up the cutlery. “No, why would we?”

 

“I don´t see where else you would get those bite marks on your neck, _except_ maybe if you didn’t even sleep at Macy´s, who came – just so you know – looking for you last night.” Mom raised her eyebrow at me, her suspicions confirming when I blushed and hurriedly tugged my collar up, trying to hide the love bites on my skin. _Damn him._

 

Shaking her head, mom just resorted to wiping down the counter. ”I was once young too, you know? I just hope the poor boy knows what he´s in for when your brother gets wind of it.”

 

I bit my lip, trying to suppress a smirk because she called him _boy_ , from all things, but when mom turned around, her face turning into an amused expression, I knew I had failed. Letting out a loud snort, I started laughing. “Believe me, mom, _the boy_ can hold his own in a fight. Honestly, I´m pretty sure Aiden would lose if it ever went that far.”

 

“Yes and then he would resent the both of you. I hope he isn’t who I think he is.” When I lowered my gaze back to my plate and shoved a huge bite into my mouth to avoid answering her, she just sighed. “Those two are like brothers ever since they went through initiation together and you know he´s like a son to me.” The stern glance she shot me had me mutter a ´Yes ma´am´ in response, earning me a satisfied nod.

 “So you better tell Aiden before he finds out and raises hell for all of us. God knows I have to deal with enough all of your shit.”

 

“Tell Aiden what?” My brother came strolling into the kitchen, wearing his dauntless uniform even though it was early on a Sunday morning, giving mom a kiss on the cheek. Behind him, Eric followed, greeting me with a raised eyebrow and a smirk before he too, went over to hug my mother and accepted a plate from her. They both took a seat opposite of me and wasted no second digging in.

 

“Just that I´m planning to transfer to amity, you know?”

 

Aiden all but choked on his food, while Eric´s hand with the cup stopped midair, staring me down with one of his infamous glares. Biting my lip, I wasn´t prepared for the swat on the back of my head.

“Casey, stop tormenting your brother!”

 

“Sorry. _Not sorry._ ” I muttered the last part to myself, but as I looked up I saw Eric shaking his head at me, no doubt because he deemed me childish. But the corner of his mouth curled up nonetheless into an almost invisible smirk which he tried to hide behind the rim of his cup. Yeah, I caught on to that mister.

 

Catching my eye, I knew that he was just as amused by my brother as I was.

Spluttering like a maniac, Aiden downed the contents of his cup before banging it on the table, making the cutlery rattle. There was definitely a reason why we didn’t use glasses.

 

“I swear,” He gasped, the vein on his forehead pounding dangerously. “if you even think about becoming a tree hugger I´m going to shoot you on sight!”

 

“Please.” I mocked him. “As if you´d ever hit me. I´m way too fast for you.”

 

"She has a point," Eric muttered under his breath, earning him a painful sounding punch to the shoulder from my brother. The young leader didn’t even flinch, only shooting Aiden a warning glance. I, however, had to focus on suppressing the warm feeling that rose in my chest after hearing these small words of approval from him.

 

Before I could do something stupid, like leap over the table and give Eric a hug, I got up and carried my plate to the sink. Giving my mother a kiss on the cheek and thanking her for breakfast, I excused myself to go to my room and catch up on a bit of sleep but my brother called me back before I could escape.

 

“Casey.” I reluctantly turned around and knew instantly that my brother meant business, his face serious. “I mean it. If you even think about leaving, forget it. The second your blood touches anything but coals you´re not longer part of our family.”

 

“Calm down, Aiden. I´m sure your sister is sure in what she is choosing.” My mother calmly, but sternly interrupted his rant while I rolled my eyes, leaning against the threshold.

 

“Way to go, drama queen? Are we being overly sensitive today? Maybe you should change your methods of birth control, these shots seem to mess you up pretty bad.” Shooting him a provoking smirk, I crossed my arms over my chest waiting for the gasket to blow. And like always it didn’t disappoint.

Aiden was already halfway out of his chair, fists balled when Eric´s hand landed on his shoulders and shoved him back down.

Pushing myself away from the threshold, I pouted at Eric. I would have loved to have a go at my brother and give him a black eye as a reminder of my sisterly love. Something to remember me by while I was busy with initiation. Or busy going through hell since Eric would supervise us poor souls once again.

Since he had destroyed my perfect opportunity, I shot him a glare before whirling around, stomping out of the room.

 

Throwing the door shut behind me, I let myself fall on the bed still wearing my boots. Letting them dangle over the edge, I groaned the soreness between my legs that I had tried to ignore becoming overbearing. It was a good thing that I wouldn’t see him tonight, another one of those encounters would have made jumping onto and off a train almost impossible.

 

When I couldn’t ignore the dull throbbing anymore I got up with a groan, moving into my en suite bathroom that I would dearly miss in the next few weeks. Rummaging through the cabinet I soon found the bottle full of painkillers and downed two of them glad that it was normal for dauntless to have them lying around in every cabinet.

We tended to get hurt a lot.

 

I hurriedly washed my face and brushed my teeth, wanting to get in a short nap before I would meet my friends in the training room for a last relaxing day with no responsibilities. I sighed, not knowing if I should be anxious or excited. Right now I dangled between both emotions.

Leaving the bathroom, I almost let out a loud squeal when I was suddenly swept up by broad arms that slung themselves around my waist, but a large hand covered my mouth, muffling every sound I made.

 

“Shhh. We wouldn’t want your brother to find us now, would we?” He breathed into my ear, making me shiver as he lightly nibbled my earlobe. “Would be hard to explain, don´t you agree, Cas?”

When he was sure I wouldn’t scream, he let his hand trail down to my cleavage and over my stomach until it rested between my legs. I dug my nails into his tattoo-covered forearms, the pressure on my core thanks to the pills more pleasurable than painful. Letting myself sink back into his embrace, I laid my head on his broad shoulder and stifled a low moan.

“Eric!”

 

“You were gone when I woke up.” The obvious disapproval in his voice didn’t faze me in the slightest, his fingers speeding up their motions making it impossible to think of anything else. Pushing my lower half back into him, I could feel the evidence of his arousal against my lower back. Groaning, Eric pushed himself closer to me, sinking his teeth in the spot behind my ear for a second before soothing the sharp pain with his skillful tongue.

 

“Maybe,” I panted, already worked up and aroused beyond compare. “…maybe I wanted to get away from you. But you see how that turned out.”

 

“Well, if that´s the cause…” Eric was mockingly nonchalant as he pulled his hand away and stepped back, ignoring my objections and whines for him to continue. “Guess I´ll see you around then, princess.”

 

He pulled me into one last heated kiss before throwing me a wink, adjusted his pants and disappeared into the hallway, while I stayed back, horny, alone and with a bleeding lip.

The bastard bit me.

* * *

 

I could hear the laughter ringing through the training room before I even stepped in. Pushing the door open, I merely avoided a pellet flying at my head by dropping to the floor.

Growing up with the Pedrad siblings fastened my reflexes without a doubt.

When I was sure the coast was free, I tentatively came out of my cover, giving Uriah who was smiling sheepishly a ´what-the-fuck´ look.

“You know that Max made it clear that if you ever hit him again with that little gun of yours, he´ll let you dangle of the chasm for half an hour, right?”

 

“Please.” Uriah smirked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “I´m his favorite and he secretly loves my pranks. He would never compromise his most promising initiate, now would he?”

 

“Right.” Lynn drawled from where she was lounging on the mats, rolling her eyes. “I seriously hope he kicks your ass someday. You´d deserve it.”

 

“I heard Eric isn’t far from making good on that threat.” Macy piped in from her place in front of the targets with a set of knives in her hand. “Something about pink glitter on all his vests?” Biting her lip, she scrunched up her face in concentration before pulling her arm back, letting the knife fly. It hit the target just outside the middle ring and she cursed, pinching her lips into a straight line. Knife throwing wasn’t her forte.

 

“Glitter?” Uriah squeaked, eyes widening he manically flitted his gaze between us. “I never used glitter for any pranks, I swear! I´d never touch his things! I´m not suicidal!”

 

Chuckling to myself, I went over to him and patted his shoulder, suppressing a loud laugh when I saw how terrified he really was. “No, that was me.” Ignoring his incredulous stare, I made my way over to Macy, snatching two of her knives.

 

“Well, then go and tell him!” Uriah called out, throwing his arms in the air gesturing for me to do so right now.

 

“And get myself killed? Please, I´m not suicidal.” Smirking, I cheekily taunted him with his own words. Narrowing his eyes at me, Uriah took a step closer, arms outstretched ready to tackle but Marlene stepped into his way, effectively stopping something that would have ended in another great war.

 

“As if Eric would harm you. Aiden would skin him alive if he´d dare to even touch you.” Marlene turned towards me, hands on hips ready to defend the guy she´d been secretly crushing on for years. Smirking in victory, Uriah snaked his arms around her torso, pulling her into him. With Marlene so close he suddenly seemed to forget that it was his life on the line.

 

“As if he didn’t touch her every night for the last year.” Lynn grumbled, shooting the two of them disgusted look. Well, her little crush didn’t go unnoticed either.

 

I glared at her, once again cursing Eric for convincing me no one would come through the corridor we were in and myself, for believing him. He had me pressed against the wall, pants hanging low on his hips, my dress bunched up around my waist when Lynn found us. It was quite the compromising situation we were in, regarding that Eric was still buried deep inside me but like the good friend she is, Lynn walked away, only shaking her head. Of course, since then I had to endure her taunts, however, Lynn never asked any questions and for that alone I was thankful. It was hard enough confessing everything to Macy and she´s like a sister to me.

 

“What was that?” Uriah asked absentmindedly, obviously groping a feel. We all watched how Marlene pretended to be offended and pushed him away, swatting his head all while trying to suppress her smile. It was clear that she didn’t mind it one bit.

Macy bumped my shoulder and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. Biting my lip, I hissed at her to stop it before focusing on the target, letting the two knives in my hand fly in rapid succession. They both hit bullseye, less than an inch apart and Macy grunted, shoving me away roughly. “Showoff.”

 

I flashed her my brightest grin, knowing she wasn’t really mad while Marlene started squeaking behind us. Uriah was tickling her mercilessly making her cry with laughter.

 

“If you´re all done with annoying the hell out of me, may we proceed to do what we all came here for?” Lynn glared at us, face agitated. We all exchanged subtle looks, turning towards the stairs complying with her commands. We were all used to her antics but knew not to egg her on, even more, when she was like this. I shrugged my shoulders and started walking while Macy floated over to her, always ready to play mediator.

She threw her arm over Lynn´s shoulder and pulled her closer, her walk turning bouncy. “Calm down, tiger.”

 

Pushing Macy away, Lynn glared at her but I saw that the fierceness in her expression slowly vanishing. “How about you go fuck yourself.”

 

“Sure, but only if you watch.” Winking at her, Macy pushed the door open exposing the narrow hallway behind. I let out a loud laugh, while Uriah fake gagged looking distraught by the sudden change of topic. We all knew not to take their banter seriously but when they were like that it was hard.

 

After conquering the steep stairs, we found ourselves on the roof above the training room, not far from where we´d get off the train tomorrow after choosing to jump into the net. The others walked over to the closet where we stored a few cushions for occasions like this, lost in conversation while  I made my way to the waist high wall that separated us from the several stories deep drop.

Bracing myself on the stones, I let my gaze wander over the slowly crumbling buildings, asking myself once again how they used to look at night, brightly illuminated, housing thousands upon thousands of people.

The only building lit at night now was the erudite headquarters in the heart of the city. They worked 24/7, noses buried deep in their labs and abnegation was kind enough to allow them to spend so much electricity while the rest of the factions had a curfew, all the lights shutting off, being replaced by small solar lamps that illuminated everything in a strange blue glow. It always made the hallways seem eerie quiet, a nightmare for people who were afraid of the dark like Marlene was.

She´d never admit it, but the dark corners in our compound terrified her.

 

I brought up the topic several times that since dauntless liked to party and most members were nocturnal anyway, we´d benefit from better lighting greatly but Eric always says they have more important things to handle than worrying about lamps.

As if torturing his inferiors took that much time.

 

I was pulled from my amusing thoughts of Eric letting his subordinates cater to his every whim, him laying on a chaise lounge being hand fed grapes when someone came up beside me, leaning against my shoulder. I didn’t have to look over to know it was Uriah, his frame towering above mine.

“You alright?” He questioned quietly, his head turned towards me while my gaze was still glued to the skyline, admiring the architecture.

 

“Sure.” Sending him a reassuring smile, I leaned into him happy he took the time to come over. In response, Uriah slung his arm around my shoulder, shaking me a little until I started laughing.

 

“So you´re not worried about tomorrow?” He inquired quietly, for once staying serious despite the genuine smile on his smile.

 

“Should I be? Worried, I mean. I know where I belong but there´s still that little part of me that´s hesitant. I don´t think you ever can be 100 percent certain of a faction but shouldn’t I be?”

 

Letting out a breath, Uriah was quiet for a few moments, letting me know that he carefully contemplated what to say for once. “I understand what you´re trying to say but you´ll never be fully content with either of the factions, except you deflect to amity and pump yourself full of peace serum. I mean I´d love to set fire to the labs in erudite but leaving my family and all my friends behind wouldn’t be worth it, you know?”

 

I chuckled quietly, the thought of Uriah wreaking havoc in erudite while Jeanine Matthews was running after him, face blotched by the exertion, chased all my worries away. Thankful for his presence, I pulled him into an embrace, his arms around me as familiar as the ones of my brother.

“No, you´re definitely not allowed to become a nose. I forbaded it.”

 

“You what?” Uriah laughed, his chest rumbling. “Let´s hope your fighting is better than your grammar otherwise you´ll have to become a grey. You know, since they don´t have to have any talents or whatsoever.”

 

“You´re such an idiot.” Shaking my head, I pushed away from him just as Marlene called for us to come over. They had arranged the pillows into a circle, Uriah and I taking the last available ones, he between Marlene and Macy, while I sat on her other side with Lynn, who was busy lighting the joint while also fiddling with her new septum. Why she had even bothered to get it, even though it annoyed the hell out of her and would come back to bite her in the ass when we´d fight, I had no idea. But arguing with Lynn was never a good idea so I stayed quiet, letting her annoyance fuel my amusement and accepted the joint Macy handed me, already close to being stoned. She´s a lightweight.

 

We did this quite often, just sitting on the roof, smoking, and drinking while listening to Uriah´s embarrassing but hilarious stories. Taking a swing from the bottle we passed around, I almost choked on my laughter as I told him how exactly all my brother´s boxer shorts disappeared in favor for pink thongs in a fortunate accident.

After that one, I had to camp at Eric´s for two day´s straight, too scared I´d be murdered if Aiden found me. After all, the was quite the shooter.

It was only trumped by a video of Zeke´s drunkenly mistaking a rather skinny guy with long hair for a chick he could hit up at one of his infamous parties. The video of them making out had stirred the rumor mill not insignificantly but the best part of it was, that Zeke only realized that something was very wrong when he felt something hard on his leg. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t a bottle.

At this point, I was almost crying and I knew it had nothing to do with the slight fuzzy feeling inside my head.

 

Laying on my back, I searched for Macy´s hand on the gravel, squeezing lightly when she intertwined our fingers. Staring into the sky, I brushed the tears of laughter away, grateful for the people surrounding me. Uriah was right, there was no way you would ever find this kind of solidarity in any of the other factions.

After all, this was home.

* * *

 

“You´re going to wear _that_?” Marlene scrunched up her face, looking down as if Lynn´s pants personally offended her.

 

“Yeah, what´s wrong with it?” Lynn brushed off her combat pants, her boots still muddy from when it rained three days ago.

 

“Everything´s wrong with it for our last party as dependents! Here, try this.” Rummaging through her closet, Marlene pulled out a pile of fabric and threw it in Lynn´s direction. Macy only snorted when it landed right on Lynn´s shaved head, too busy playing with her phone to really pay attention.

I, on the other hand, anticipated Lynn´s next movements with a morbid curiosity, my mind already imagining her in the piece of fabric, sitting at the bar drinking like a sailor.

Pulling the dress off her head, Lynn stared at it in horror.

It was a tiny, black number that gave revealing a whole new meaning. I´m not even sure it would have covered her ass completely.

Snorting, I leaned forward waiting for –

 

“Hell, no.” She scowled, tossing it right back. – just what I guessed.

 

“Fine! I give up.” Marlene cried out, throwing her arms in the air in an attempt to vent her frustration. Rolling my eyes, I got up from my spot on the bed where I´ve been waiting for them to choose a simple outfit for the last twenty minutes.

I took one look into the closet before tossing Lynn a pair of skinny jeans and a flowing, backless top. She looked cautious at first but then threw me a thankful look that made Marlene scowl. “That´s so boring.”

 

“We´ve been waiting for ages, so shut up.” Narrowing her eyes at me, Marlene got up from the floor, hands on her hips the way she always ripped into Uriah. I matched her stare with one of my own until she slowly started to crack, her lips turning upwards.

 

“Dammit!” She cursed when I smirked at her, pushing me away to get to her vanity inspecting her makeup one last time. I watched her bemused for a few moments before turning to the mirror door of her closet.

I had opted for hot pants and an airy top, much like the one I had given to Lynn, hoping that a certain someone would be discouraged to drag me away by the lack of easy access. My brown hair flowed in loose waves just till under my ribs, the only change being the fire-red tips. I simply loved my hair too much to shave it off or color it completely like most dauntless did.

The low cleavage of my top only just showed a glimpse of the maze tattoo that runs mid-torso while the shorts exposed the piece that covered almost my whole leg with such an intricate design like only Tori would manage to produce.

 

When I turned to inspect my backside, Lynn finally came back wearing the things I gave her, paired with her dirty combat boots which earned her a snort from Macy who begrudgingly got off the spot on the bed. We all piled out of Marlene´s room, successfully avoiding her mother that often smothered us to death. Even though I loved her like my own, she could be a tad overbearing, so when Marlene told her we were running late to the party in the pit she luckily let us go after we had to promise to come back soon.

 

We talked about nothing important on our way to the pit and were almost there when Four came walking towards us in a hallway, wearing his usual brooding expression. I didn’t pay him much attention, knowing that neither my brother nor Eric liked him very much. Usually, it wasn't hard considering he didn't even acknowledge my existence but this time he stepped in my way, his face turning when possible even more stony. “Casey.”

 

Looking up in bewilderment, I didn’t realize that the others had stopped too, eying us suspiciously. They all knew of Aiden´s dislike towards him, stemming most likely from Eric´s resentment that a stiff managed to outdo him in the final rankings.

Four noticed their staring too, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes, before addressing them. “You can leave, Casey will catch up with you in the pit.”

 

Macy looked hesitant, Marlene confused and Lynn simply bored, picking at her cuticles. But I didn’t miss the slight glint in her eyes that told me she wasn’t as eager to leave as she pretended to be.

“I´ll see you soon.” Giving a tight smile I gestured for them to go on, turning towards the so-called dauntless prodigy.

 

“Alright.” Scrunching up her eyebrows, Macy slowly followed the others, throwing looks over her shoulder. Four waited until they rounded the corner before he spoke up again, his words more of a command than a request. “Come on.”

 

I hesitated for a second, watching his back as he walked away from me but with one look he had me scrambling after him, arms still crossed defiantly. If Eric found out I followed number boy without hesitation he wouldn’t be happy. Not in the slightest.

We walked in silence, his steps so long that I had to make two for every one he took. That’s why I didn’t realize where he was leading me until we came to the office part of the compound that was suspiciously quiet this time of the night. Scrunching my face up in confusion, I came to a halt refusing to take another step without knowing where he was leading me.

“You know, if you wanted to kill me, the chasm is in the other direction.” I spoke up, pointing right my thumb over my shoulder to the right path. Raising an eyebrow, Four obviously didn’t appreciate my sarcasm.

 

“Sure, now come on.” Four rolled his eyes, turning away.

 

“No.”

 

“No?” He questioned incredulously, raising his eyebrows at me.

 

"I´m not following you around like a lost puppy. For all, I know you´re going to hide my body in the incineration plant and I´m so not ready to die yet, I just perfected my roundhouse kick."

 

“For god´s sake.” Four cursed, pulling his hair. “I´m not going to murder you so calm the fuck down.”

 

“Well, then what the hell am I doing here? Because right now my ultimate demise is the only thing that would make sense.”

 

He blinked twice, irritation clear on his face he watched me closely before coming to the conclusion that I wouldn’t take one step further without making a fuss. “Max wants to see you and he doesn’t want anyone to know so you better hurry up.”

 

“ _What?_ Why would he…?” I started but Four interrupted me harshly, his posture rigid.

 

“Listen, I don´t even know why he asked me to fetch you when there´s someone much more obvious.” He shot me a look that made it clear he knew and I blushed, realizing he most likely was in the control room during one of Eric and I´s _meetings_. “All I know is, that he wants to see you so let´s go.”

 

Biting my cheek, I merely nodded earning me an aggravated grunt. Four wasted no second in picking up his pace and this time I followed obediently, my mind whirling with the possibilities of the situation, raking from bad to really, really bad.

Was it because Uri and I stole those three cakes last week and Steve, the cook ratted us out? The time we hacked into the control room and broadcasted a video of Harrison singing in the shower?

Or worse… did he found out that Eric and I were seeing each other and he was now telling me to end things before initiation?

But if that’s the cause, why didn’t he talk to Eric about it instead of calling a dependent for a secret meeting?

The closer we got to the office, the more I got the feeling that something wasn’t quite right here.

 

A few moments later, Four stopped in front of Max´ office that was conveniently just three doors down from Eric´s, who I hoped had already gone home.

Or maybe it would be better if he was here, then at least I had someone on my side of anything went wrong.

I didn’t realize how lost I was in my thoughts until Four cleared his throat, gesturing towards the door. Throwing him a tight smile, I was surprised to see his face soften ever so slightly in response. He pressed down on the handle, slowly pushing the door open. “Everything´s going to be okay.”

 

His quiet words somehow managed to comfort me, the anxiety ebbing a little. That was until he really opened the door and I was greeted by not only Max waiting for me but a blonde woman by his side. One I only knew from afar.

Freezing, I looked up to Four who seemed as startled as me when our eyes met but he masked his expression carefully before either of them could notice the shock. He stayed in the doorways, posture tense.

 

I wasn’t as successful at hiding my emotions, my smile anything but sincere when Max turned towards us, wearing a paternal expression that looked foreign on his usually stern face. Jeanine Matthews, on the other hand, stayed as stoical as always, rigid as a stick, hands clasped in front of her, eyes always searching, analyzing.

“Casey.” Max took a step away from his desk that was overflowing with papers. His office didn’t possess the immaculate order Eric´s always held, the one I was used to. “We were already waiting for you, come on in.” He gave me another smile that wasn’t as genuine as he tried to make it look, before turning towards the man behind me, his brow furrowing slightly when he realized that he was still there. “Four, why don´t you close the door on your way out?”

 

I hesitated to step in, the prospect of being locked inside a room with these two terrifying but a large hand on the low of my back gently pushed me forwards and I turned my head towards Four who gave me an almost unnoticeable nod. Begging him with my eyes not to go and leave me alone with the two most powerful people in this city, I saw a hint of regret hush over his face but he stepped back closed the door nonetheless, effectively quenching every ounce of hope I had to escape.

 

“Why don´t you take a seat?” Max asked, trying to be courteous, diverting my attention away from the door and once again to the woman beside him who watched me with her hawk-like eyes. “We have a lot to discuss.” I´m not sure I liked where this was going.

 “There´s something we need your help with.”

No, I didn’t like it.

Not at all.

* * *

 

I all but stumbled back out of the door, every single information I had been feed with the last 45 minutes making my head reel until I was too dizzy to even appreciate being away from them. In my dazed state, I didn’t even spot the tall figure leaning against the wall until he grabbed my arm, turning me towards him.

 

“Casey, is everything alright?” Looking up, I was almost surprised to see the deep blue eyes of Four watching me concerned while steering me further away from the office. “What did they want?” I almost stumbled on the uneven floor but his hand on my upper arm kept me upright, pulling me further along, away from my doom. Or further towards it.

“What? Oh, yeah. Everything´s okay…”

 

“Really?” Four asked sarcastically, pulling me into an empty room that looked very much like an old classroom. “So, you just didn’t hear me the first three times I called your name because everything is so _okay_?”

 

His patronizing tone hit a sore spot in my chest and I narrowed my eyes at him, my surrounding becoming clearer. “So what if I´m not _alright_?”

 

“I want to know what Jeanine Matthews was doing here out of all people!” Raising his voice, Four narrowed his eyes at me, searching. ”What did she say to you?”

 

“Did it occur to you that maybe that’s none of your fucking business?” I finally snapped, the weight that had settled on my chest half an hour ago slamming all the breath out of me at last. Bracing my hands on my knees, I let my head hang down whole trying to breathe through the knot in my chest choking me up. Gripping the base of my throat, I squeezed, trying to make it all go away.

A hand tentatively touching my back startled me so much that I slapped it away on instinct, turning to hiss at Four who raised both of his hands in a calming gesture, shocked by my sudden movements. “ _Don´t touch me!_ ”

 

Raking my hands through my hair, I knew that there was only one person I wanted to see right now. I had to see him.

Dodging the hand that came my way, I glared at Four the resentment wasn’t aimed at him but it´d do it. “Just keep whatever the hell this is to you.”

 

Without sparing him a last glance, I hurried out of the room leaving Four back to piece together what had just occurred behind closed doors.

* * *

 

My fingers trembled as I entered the code to his apartment, knowing he´d want to sign off the rest of his paperwork before going down to the pit. At least I hoped he was there. For the second time, I pushed in the wrong number, cursing myself when the panel lit up red, signaling that the access was denied.

Taking a deep breath, I repeated the motions slowly and was careful to hit the right ones this time.

The light finally turned green and I burst into the room, frantically searching for the man who had the answer to everything. I slammed the door shut, the sound reverberating through the whole apartment.

 

Eric came storming out of his office a moment later, the alert expression changing to one of confusion the moment he spotted me in his living room. I barely noticed that he was shirtless, as I ran towards him, winding my arms around his neck. He tried to say something but my lips on his swallowed every sound.

 

Eric didn’t hesitate for long, hosting me up by my hips. I slung my legs around his midsection, fingers buried in his hair, tugging harshly while his dug into the flesh of my thighs, keeping me upright. The more of his bare skin touched mine, the looser got the knot in my chest making it easier to breathe.

 

Losing myself in the pressure of his lips on mine, teeth clashing Eric bit my lip, stumbling into his bedroom. He dropped me onto the bed, letting himself fall on top of me, body contact never breaking, he pressed open-mouthed kisses to my neck and up my jaw. I raked my nails over his back, making Eric groan throatily, scrambling to get out of his clothes. Mirroring his movements, my shirt landed on the floor, soon followed by my shorts until I was bare in front of him.

Not just my body but my whole being.

 

Eric scooted me up on the bed until I was against the headboard, lips never leaving mine he pulled me under him, lining himself up to impale me, making me whole. I could feel his muscles clench under my calves and I prepared myself for the thrust I knew was coming but he hesitated the last second, pulling back.

“Condom.” He murmured against my hungry lips, starting to untangle himself from my grip to lean over to open a drawer in his nightstand.

 

The loss of his warmth on my skin almost hurt physically so I grabbed his arm, pulling him back to me, flipping us around with the momentum of my legs around his hips. Surprised by my sudden movement, Eric stilled leaning against the headboard. Using my chance, I straddled him, lining his length up against my opening before pushing down harshly, burying him inside me to the hilt.

We both groaned at the sudden stimulation, his member inside me almost painfully deep as he clung to me. Rocking my hips, slowly at first but getting faster, I leaned forwards capturing his lips in a searing kiss.

Eric responded eagerly, one hand tangling in my hair, pulling my head back while he started lifting me up and down with his other. I let him guide my movements, leaning my forehead against his, eyes closed, our breaths mingling between us. Leaning down, Eric´s teeth found my collarbone, marking me once again as his. He pulled back, immediately soothing the sharp sting with soft caresses of his tongue while I threw my head back, clenching the muscles of my core around him.

 

In search for some sort of support, I clung to his shoulders, the tensing and releasing of his muscles beneath me sweet torture as he pulled me down onto him again and again, until I didn’t know anymore where I ended and he begun.

 

But with every rocking of our hips that brought us closer to bliss, the choking feeling in my chest grew until I shattered, looking deep into his hauntingly grey eyes, a lone tear running down my cheek. Eric followed not a second later, eyes closing he let out a low groan and I felt him twitching inside me, his arms around my hips trying to pull me even closer to him.

I wished to disappear in him, letting his passion consume my whole being.

 

Coming down from his high, Eric relaxed his grip on me, fingers running up and down my spine. I let myself fall onto the mattress beside him, facing the window my back towards him.

Feeling the shift on the mattress, Eric´s heavy, tattooed forearm landed on my hips as he shuffled closer, pulling my back into his broad chest. His ribcage rumbled as he let out a small chuckle, brushing the sweaty hair away from my face as he leaned over me.

“Aww, did I make you cry?” His sarcastic voice was smug, elated by the thought that his cock made me weep in joy.

  
Shaking my head, I snorted mustering up the courage to turn around. Burying my head in his chest, I breathed in deeply. He smelled like sex and cigarettes, something that had grown so deeply familiar to me over the last year.  Raking my head for an excuse, I placed my hand on his v-line. “You wish. I´m just… drunk.”

 

“I figured.” I didn’t have to look up to see him rolling his eyes, the amusement shining through his words. “You´re only that horny when you´re drunk.”

 

“Shut up.” Swatting his bare chest, I got distracted and started tracing the lines of strongly defined muscles while Eric played with the red tips of my hair, his fingers ever so often brushing against bare skin. We were silent for a moment, just taking each other in.

 

“Eric…?” The only indication that he heard me was a soft grunt, his eyes closed. “You know, I love you.”

 

Cracking one eye open, Eric furrowed his brow as he stared down at me. Rolling his eyes, he grabbed the back of my head and pushed it back down onto his chest effectively putting a halt to the conversation. “Just go to sleep, Cas.”

 

Watching him for a moment, I reveled at how relaxed he seemed, nothing left from the usual tenseness of his posture. I wish he was always like this, so carefree and happy instead of annoyed and angry. He was a whole other Eric, the one only a selected few ever got to see.

Suddenly I felt the overwhelming honor of being here with him, the most private area of his life. He had invited me in and for the first time, I realized that he was truly okay with me being here while we was at his most vulnerable.

So I choose to let the topic go.

“Okay.” Smiling sadly, I pressed a kiss to his skin, closing my eyes, wishing this moment to stay forever.

 

Half an hour later, I pulled my top back on, knowing that my friends would send out a search party if I didn’t show up to the pit soon. Eric was sleeping soundly on his back, his breathing even, arms sprawled out.

It had been a chore to get out of his hold, his arm curled around me but after all, I knew how to do it. 

 

Fully clothed, I took a seat on the edge of the mattress, just watching him sleep for god knows how long. At one point, he stretched out one arm, patting the other side of the bed as if he was searching for something.

That was when I knew that I had to leave if I didn’t want to wake him up. So I reluctantly stood, bending down to kiss his forehead, running my fingers through his hair I admired how soft it was compared to how he usually styled it. He must have had a shower earlier.

 

I was startled out of my reverie when he suddenly steered, his hand coming up to grab mine. “Cas?” He asked sleepily, eyes still closed.

 

“It´s okay, I´m here.”

Grumbling something incomprehensible, Eric turned over letting go of me. He grabbed his blanket, pulling it higher up making me smile.

 

Letting out a breath, I slowly walked backward, gaze glued to his sleeping form, his muscles defined even through a layer of fabric.

Knowing that I had to leave sooner or later, I gave him one last lingering look like I had done not even 24 hours prior before slowly making my way out of his flat, the chasm inside my chest growing with every step I took away from him.

Away from my shelter, away from my love.

* * *

 

My friends had been waiting for me in the pit, demanding an explanation why I had been gone for so long and what Four, who was standing to the side with Zeke watching me closely, wanted. I told them that he needed me to tell my brother something about patrols but that I had been distracted by lover boy, how they called the guy I was seeing not knowing it was the leader they all were afraid of.

Except of course Macy who grinned smugly and Lynn who pretended to puke into her drink, while she was being her normal anti-social self.

 

I only stayed as long as expected from me before making up the excuse that my mother wanted to see me. Something about family time and choosing tomorrow. They all believed me, even though I got a few strange glances when I left the pit not only an hour after arriving.

The most prominent being a pair of deep blue eyes.

 

 In reality, I went back onto the roof, took out our pillows and spent most of my last night as a dependent thinking about the plan Max and Jeanine had shared with me earlier while staring at the skyline wishing it was, for once, illuminated. As if those lights would make it all disappear.

 

_There´s something we need your help with._

_You´re the only one that can help._

_Your responsibility to this faction… your family._

_It`s a secret._

_  
Don´t tell anyone._

It was only when the sun had risen that I had gotten up, put the things away and went back home to shower and dress appropriately for the choosing ceremony. I choose simple black jeans and an almost modest top, paired with my usual combat boots. My hair was braided back in fishtail style, the makeup only consisting of a little black eyeliner and mascara. 

I didn’t even have a chance to eat breakfast since my shower had run so late and before I knew it, I was on the train squished between my parents and brother, half of the faction on their way to the ceremony.

 

The leaders had been gone all morning and since it was dauntless year to host, Max and Eric would be the ones on the stage. And they already were when we came in, conversing with the other leaders and amity´s representative.

Eric gave me an almost invisible nod, raising one eyebrow when I only smiled back weakly, face turning thoughtful when Max clasped his back. Eric listened attentively to his superior before walking away, grabbing the basket full of knives.

Time seemed to fly by as the rest of the factions arrived, filling up the seats in the circular room until it looked like half of the city was gathered in the hub.

They called for silence and Max started his speech about how the 18-year-olds were the future of this city, the same shit Marcus Eaton had said when it was my brother´s turn to choose.

I asked myself if that was really what he believed and if it was the reason why they came to me when they had the resources of the two most powerful factions to their open avail.

 

Max´ speech was short, straight to the point and before long he started calling the names of the dependents up to the stage, Eric handing them the knife while Max shouted out their faction of choosing, followed by them applauding.

I didn’t bother listening to the names I didn’t know, only smiling when it was my friends turn to choose.

Uriah acted like an idiot, almost falling on his way to the stage but the proud smile when his blood met the coals managed to make us all chuckle after we had applauded him of course. Lynn let the blood drop down and came back to our sector as if it hadn’t mattered to her at all, while Marlene basically floated to the stage.

Macy beamed with pride when Max called dauntless, the joy only being overshadowed by Greg, a dauntless who I didn’t know that well, choosing amity.

The angry murmur going through our lines raked shivers down my spine because I knew dauntless would never speak of him again, his deflection a shame to his family.

 

The most shocking thing that happened though were two greys deflecting right after each other, one to erudite and the skinny girl choosing dauntless. For her own sake, I hope she knew what she was doing because the sneer of distaste on Eric´s face told me enough to know he´d be targeting her specifically.

 

This observation managed to distract me enough to not hear my own name being called. My brother´s hand shoving me gently to stand up managed to make my heart rate spike as I shuffled through the rows, only my mother´s `I love you´ and my father’s reassuring touch giving me the strength to walk up to the podium with the five bowls.

 

Biting my lip, I accepted the knife Eric handed me ignoring the inquisitive gaze as I looked deep into his eyes. His eyes narrowed ever so slightly and I knew he knew that something wasn’t quite right with me. Wasn’t quite right with that situation.

He implied with one look that I should be careful what I was doing, his expression freezing when I lowered my eyes.

 

Letting out a deep breath, I walked over to where the dauntless bowl stood right next to the abnegation bowl. The familiar weight of the knife in my hand was reassuring to some extent and I positioned it on my palm, pressing down until a small trickle of blood gathered in the palm of my hand.

Turning around one last time, I looked over to Eric who urged me with one look to hurry up, and to Max who only winked once, the message clear.

With a heavy heart, I turned around, stretching out my arm, letting my blood fall onto stone.

It was deadly quiet, everyone holding their breath for a second before Max´ booming voice echoed through the room.

 

“Abnegation.”

* * *

 

**For everyone wondering why I haven’t updated Ptp yet… this is the reason :D Another Eric fic!**

**I really hope you like it!**

**I basically have most of the plot planned out but don´t know how frequent I´ll update since I want to finish ptp first, I already started the next chapter so don´t worry! :)**

**This one may become quite dark in the future so read with caution. I´m sure you´re wondering why the hell Casey would go to abnegation & what´s Max´& Jeanine´s plan is.. All I can say is that they´re up to no good.. **

**Thank you for reading & it would mean so much to me hearing if you like it since I’m always self-conscious about new works & still have to find a way to write Casey authentically :)**


	2. Chapter 2

_“And I've got my mind, made up this time_

_Go on and light a cigarette, set a fire in my head._

_Set a fire in my head tonight._

_Don't forget me, don't forget me_

_I wouldn't leave you if you'd let me_

_When you met me when you met me_

_You told me you were gonna get me._

_Don't forget me,_

_don't forget me.”_

**The room was deadly quiet** for a second, everyone holding their breaths. Looking up, I wished I hadn´t. The first person I spotted was my mother, eyes wide, face ashen. My father was more composed but the devastation hidden deep behind the mask he was displaying send sharp jolts of pain right into my chest.

Swaying my gaze, I met my brothers and almost flinched back, the utmost hatred etched into the lines of his red face scorching me from the other side of the room. He would keep his word, for him I was no longer family.

Two rows lower all my friends – or former friends now – stared at me, expressions contorted in various stages of shock, the joy from moments before vanished into nothingness.

 

It only took the split-second in which I had raised my head to take in the train wreck that was my former life, and I quickly averted my eyes, my whole body numb. Staring at the floor, I cynically realized that it was exactly what people would expect from me from now on. To look away first, to fade into the background.

 

Taking a hesitant step forward, I was met by restrained, polite applause from my new faction, almost being drowned out from the rising whispers and outraged murmurs from my old one and for the first time in my life, all self-confidence vanished into thin air, leaving me without the hard shell dauntless life had given me.   
Right now, disappearing didn’t sound so bad after all.

 

Trying not to let it bother me, I picked up my pace slightly to make room for the next one to choose when a movement to my left made me turn my head. I met a pair of grey eyes, chilling me to the core and my steps faltered, slowing down. They spoke of betrayal so deep it wasn’t comprehensible for anyone but the two of us.   
To everyone else, his anger was aimed at the fact that I was leaving the faction he deemed best, a failure of him as a leader.

But I knew better.

I had broken his trust, the one thing he rarely showed in people or systems, something that wasn’t given freely, it was acquired through hours of grueling and sweat filled work. A gift only given to people he deemed worthy, people who had a place in his life.

But it wasn’t just his trust that I broke. With that one look, I knew he had also lost every ounce of respect he used to have for me. Respect I had earned me in countless hours of suffering through his training until I could defeat even men twice my size.

I didn’t know which loss was worse, that he would never again tell me his secrets or that he couldn’t even look at me anymore without knowing that I was unworthy.

 

Everything we´ve had carefully build over the last year, the relationship I had groomed, every argument, every moment of stolen passion, every stolen kiss and every word of affection I had wrestled from his unwilling heart withering away over the fact I was the one who left, who betrayed him.

I was to blame.

If he did this to me, just up and leave with no word of warning, I would despise him with my innermost being, so how was I supposed to harbor any resentment when he felt the same way I would, too?

I wish, I had an answer. Maybe it would have made it a little less hard to rip my eyes from his and walk away, praying that the grey that was engulfing me now would swallow me whole, that the act of selflessness would somehow balance out the hurt I had brought over the people I loved most.

That my sacrifice wasn’t pointless.

That I would not become my own undoing.

 

I watched numb, from the other side of the room how Max and Eric concluded the ceremony, all too aware of the resentful stares burning through my body, doing my best to keep my gaze to the floor, only raising my head when the dauntless started to swarm out, footsteps thundering through the whole building.

Making eye contact with Macy whose face was full of despair, questioning why I had left her, all of them, I could only shoot her an apologetic look, eyes begging, trying to lay down all my feelings to her without having to speak them out loud. When she just shook her head, jogging out of the room without sparing me another glance a little piece inside of me died, knowing I had just been shunned by another person I considered a member of my family.

 

My real family had disappeared amid the other members, not giving me the chance for a last goodbye. It almost made me tear up but when I spotted a last fleck of black, the longing drove everything else away.

 Eric was still standing on the stage, having pushed over the basket with the knives, now bending down to pick them up. Startled, I watched him, knowing he normally would never even bother to apologize, nevertheless actually help when there were stiffs around.

While I was frozen in place, two grey´s rushed forwards and knelt down to help him, not even hesitating the slightest. Straightening up to his whole height, Eric´s eyes found mine pinning me to the seat I was still sitting on before swiveling to the door where the last speck black disappeared into the stairway moments ago. Slightly shaking his head, he turned on his heels, storming through the room where the rest of the factions just started to stir.

I watched him go, my heart begging me, screaming at me to just get up and follow him. To go home and bury myself under his silk sheets and forget the rest of the world.

Just the two of us, forever.

 

Before I could do something stupid, like running after him, a grey blur appeared in my line of vision and I looked up, startled by the sudden arrival of the woman in front of me. She was smiling down at me softly, her brown hair pulled up in the obligatory tight bun, clothes the grey, baggy style that was usual for abnegation.

She seemed content with who she was, her appearance gentle, welcoming.

But taking a closer look, I noticed the small, tense lines around her mouth and suddenly I remembered that she had been the woman with the two children who had deflected, most likely their mother. I found myself wondering if she resented them like my mother me or if there was no place for ill-feelings at Abnegation.

 

“Casey, right?” She asked, smiling down at me when I nodded hesitantly. “Good. Come on, it´s time for us to leave.”

 

Looking around the room, I realized that almost everyone besides abnegation had already left, Jeanine Matthews who´s stony eyes rested on my form, making my skin crawl, walking through the double doors as the last erudite.

Getting up, I tried to blend out every overwhelming emotion I was feeling and wiped my clammy hands on my jeans, giving the woman a tight, absentminded smile. Clasping her hands in front of her she asked me to follow her as she led me towards a group of people seemingly my age, most likely the other initiates.

 

There were only seven of them, eight if you included me, and only three of them girls. All wearing grey except one in red, making me realize with shock that I was the odd one out, coming from a faction which such different ideals that I had no idea what to do. I hadn’t exactly gotten a briefing in stiff 101.

_Fuck._

 

My forced smile slowly crumbled when none of them even looked at me, only the amity whose face was being split in two by an excited grin raising his hand to wave at me. Seeing me coming closer he suddenly engulfed me in a giant bear hug, squeezing me tightly against him.

My eyes bulged out, neither having anticipated his taught muscles nor his bold move I almost took him out when I caught the eyes of the woman trying to suppress her smile, stopping my defense attack in the last second.

“Goodness, I´m so happy that I´m not the only transfer. We´re going to have so much fun.” He exclaimed, not letting me go even though I was as stiff as a board in his arms. “My name´s Benjamin, who are you?”

 

"Casey," I muttered, contemplating non-violent ways to get him off me when a throat behind us was cleared. Taking the hint to my surprise, Benjamin let go and I turned towards the person making himself noticeable, slightly tensing when I came face-to-face with Marcus Eaton. He was smiling, but the hint of disapproval gleaming behind his dark blue eyes wasn’t lost on me and suddenly I knew why.

 

“It´s such a pleasure to have a new initiate from a faction whose values stray so far away from ours,” He started, his smile turning condescending. “but please refrain from such open displays of affection. Touch is the most intimate part of human relations and therefore something that is to be treasured, not given away freely. Or it wouldn’t be something so powerful, don´t you think?”

Marcus eyes never left me while he spoke, completely disregarding that it was the tree huggers fault and not mine.

 

Furrowing my brow, I almost started arguing with him. If body contact is something so important and cherished in their faction, why not use it to show your affection more freely? If it means so much to them they should practice it more, simple as that.

I opened my mouth, almost telling him exactly that, _and_ that I wasn´t even the one who started it but I realized last moment where I was, _who he was_ , and lowered my gaze, simply nodding. “Of course, sir.”

 

Marcus nodded, seemingly satisfied before gesturing towards the door in a sweeping motion. “Then why don´t we go catch the bus?” His gaze still rested solely on me, most likely because no one of the others looked him in the eye. “For today, a few selected have volunteered to stay back and clean the hub so we can take you home and get you acquainted with everything.”

 

Holding back a snort, I followed him and the woman while everyone else bustled around, starting to tidy up the already clean room.

 

_Of course, they did._

* * *

 

The bus ride was cramped and hot, all abnegation standing, offering their seats to the few candor and erudite who didn’t even bother to tell them thanks. For it being my first time on one, I knew from the moment it started moving that I preferred trains, especially when the bus driver swayed the steering wheel to the far right to get around a pothole, jostling us all around. Even I with my relatively good balance almost landed on the lap of an older candor woman who shot me an evil glare in return.

When the vehicle finally stopped to let us off, I was so relieved I almost ran outside but leveled myself, the other abnegation taking their sweet time, wanting to let each other out before going themselves.

I secretly rolled my eyes at them, asking myself how they even functioned as a faction when they weren’t even able to get off a bus.

 

When they finally managed, I wasn’t surprised to find that we had to walk another ten minutes to even get to the abnegation sector, the closest station being in the middle of the factionless district. The closest I had been to the grey cluster of small buildings was when we accompanied patrol rounds, checking out potential jobs, or the one time, Uriah thought it would be a good idea to come here in the middle of the night, _´ to check out the perimeter´_.

 We almost got shot by a patrolling dauntless who mistook us for factionless trying to break into abnegation. Luckily, Eric had chosen that exact day to check up on his soldiers and stumbled upon the scene, immediately ordering the guy to put down his weapon when he saw me standing beside Uri.

I had never been so happy to see him then and there, but when his face became illuminated by the headlights of the truck I almost pissed myself. The murderous glint in his eyes only grew stronger the closer he came, for once not even trying to contain his rage as he stalked towards us like a predator his prey.

He reached us and just knocked Uriah out cold with one punch, giving him a concussion that lasted a week. When he turned towards me, I tightly shut my eyes, shrinking back and preparing myself for my turn. But he just ordered me to get into the truck, gripped my arm pulling me behind him, tossed Uriah in the back and drove us back in stifling silence.

At dauntless he then dragged me up into his flat, leaving Uriah to wake up and find the way to the infirmary on his own while I feared for my life. Sitting me down on his couch, he ignored me for intimidation purposes for at least half-an-hour before leaning back in his seat giving me two options.

Either he would call my brother and let him handle my punishment… or he would spank me.

 

Not taking his threat serious, I let out an airy laugh that faded the moment I met his stony gaze, only now realizing that it wasn’t some kind of a bad joke. Telling him hell no, I got up from my seat to make my point clear but when he reached for his phone, my reserve faltered knowing that my brother would kill me for being out so late and so far away from the compound. After disposing of my body, he then would march to the infirmary and kill Uriah just because he´s a boy who I was alone with.

I will never forget the smirk pulling up Eric´s lip when I begrudgingly told him I would do anything if he wouldn’t call my brother, just like the feeling of his hands caressing my ass as I lay over his lap before they came down harshly.

 

After he delivered so many hits that I couldn’t sit on my bruised flesh for over a week, I had fled his apartment with a tear stricken face, avoiding him straight for over a month. But I couldn’t shake the feeling of his broad hands running over my back, shushing me whenever I let out a squeak after an especially painful slap.

Those fantasies, the dreams of him touching me got so bad that one night I couldn’t take it anymore. After even the ministrations of the guy I was meeting casually didn’t do anything anymore for me, I headed down to the bar where I knew he´d be after a long night at the office, my brother being away to make sure the patrol officers at the fence would do their job.

 

Strategically placing myself on a barstool in his line of vision, the tiny fabric of the dress that didn’t deserve its name riding up, I ordered a drink. I didn’t have to wait long for Eric to come up to me, hot breath brushing over the bare skin on my neck, as he took a seat beside me, hand possessively resting on the low of my back.

The predatory look on his face told me enough. I didn’t even have time to smirk into my glass before he pulled me up, discreetly pushing me through the crowd towards the exit.

 

Taking my hand, he pulled me through the hallways until he found an empty room that was sorely used for strategy meetings, opening it with his clearance card. I hadn’t even taken two steps before he was on me, pushing me up against the wall, growling against my mouth, bunching up my dress until there was no longer a barrier in his way.

Sweeping the papers and maps from the table, he laid me down surprisingly gentle, latching his mouth onto my neck before ravishing me in every way possible.

 

After this night I knew, there was no one else for me, the things his touch could do to me eliciting a pleasure I didn’t knew was possible, something so purely physical suddenly becoming emotional, building up a bond that couldn’t be broken.

Or so I thought.

 

The smile on my face faded as I remembered the anger in his eyes, speaking of ultimate betrayal. Lowering my head, a heavy weight on my chest, I was startled to find that we already arrived in front of the abnegation headquarters, a grey one-story building where they held assemblies of all sorts, being the governing faction.

A woman in front of me opened the door, holding it until the other initiates and I had stepped into the plain foyer that was filled with members in grey, all keeping their head low to not draw any attention to themselves. Wide eyed I took them in, my brain being under-stimulated by the sheer dullness. I was used to rambunctious laughter and eyes that met head on, daring you to start something you might not be able to finish, not to everyone trying to vanish into thin air.

Here it was so… dull, lifeless.

 

There was a sense of belonging, certainly, but I couldn’t help but feel somehow small, as if my life had lost all its sense, the lack of joy for their own existence slowly sweeping into my still black dressed body, my dauntless uniform being the last shield I had to withstand the onslaught of… nothingness.

This, this is living and breathing, nothing more. Oblivion of people who were not yet dead.

 

And now, I was one of them.

* * *

 

It had been quite late when we arrived at the headquarters and the senior members rushed to prepare a meal for us, but not before making sure we all understood that it was a one-time thing. From tomorrow on, we´d have to do everything ourselves.

All the adrenalin rushing through my body had suppressed my appetite but now, away from all the stress of the ceremony, I found myself becoming quite hungry. I would about kill for a piece of cake, or fight Four, whichever was easier.

 

But before the food was finished, there were things to do as the woman from the ceremony kindly told us, leading the girls away further towards the back of the building, while the male initiates were taken in the opposite direction by another member. The hallway was just as dull as the rest of the building but had an abandoned feel to it, as if it wasn’t used regularly. I guessed it was only for the initiates.

When the woman, who introduced herself to us as Natalie Prior, opened the door toward the girl dormitories, I knew I had been right, the hinge screeching awfully. She told us to change into the clothes someone had laid onto our beds before stepping outside, the last whiff of friendliness disappearing with her.

 

Taking in the room, I walked towards the bed farthest away from the door right beside the only window, knowing it would be the best place to defend myself before catching up on my unconscious thoughts. I closed my eyes and shook my head, chasing them away. Who would attack me here at abnegation? It was just habits speaking, a muscle memory to search the easiest way out if fighting wasn’t a solution.

 

The walls were grey and the beds singles, minimalistic with a flat pillow and a thin blanket. Grimacing to myself, I was thankful that it was summer, otherwise, this would have never kept me warm. The only other thing on the bed was a small pile of clothes, consisting of two dresses, a cardigan, one jacket, high stockings, simple cut underwear and one pair of shoes standing on the floor.

Holding one of the baggy dresses up, I raised my eyebrow, turning towards the other girls.

“That´s it?”

 

Startled that I had spoken, the two further away froze but the only one who looked up was the girl in the bed beside mine. Her hair was blonde and she had a mole above her left eyebrow, paired with the square jaw she could have almost been pretty if the grey hadn’t sucked away all her color.

Nodding her head, she opened the clasp of her shoe. “We don´t need more than what´s necessary, it is considered selfish when there are people out there who need it more desperately than we do.”

 

Her explanation was so typical abnegation that I wanted to roll my eyes but since she had been the only one who even bothered to answer me I gave her a tight smile. “Thanks.” Walking over to her, I held out my hand. “I´m Casey.”

 

Eyeing it wearily, she just nodded her head, her lips lifting into a small smile. “My name is Susan. Susan Black.”

 

Remembering what Marcus Eaton had said earlier about body contact, I closed my eyes and let my hand fall to my side, annoyed by myself. “Of course, sorry.”

 

“Oh, don´t worry. I´m sure it must be hard to adjust to another faction.” Susan gave me another one of her smiles and this time I returned it genuinely, thinking that maybe she wasn’t as bad as the rest of them.

 

“I´ll manage somehow, I always do.” Smirking playfully at my own joke, I almost laughed at her shocked expression before I turned around. My smile fell with a sigh as I grabbed the monstrosity they called dress, wishing to have my tight pants back. “Is there any way to make it a little less baggy and a little more… fitting?” I asked, skeptically furrowing my brow at the burlap sack they called clothing.

 

"You can always hem them yourself," Susan replied, disappearing behind the divider to change dresses.

 

“Hem it myself?” I called out incredulous, starting to chuckle at the simple image of myself in a rocking chair with some sort of sewing kit on my lap. “Give me a knife and I can hunt you a deer but you won´t caught me dead with a sewing or knitting needle. Good luck with that.” Laughing quietly to myself, I realized that this time no one answered and I did my best to pretend not feeling the outraged gaze of the other two on my form, my humor vanishing.

I had no idea that laughing was forbidden, too.

 

"Well, then let´s get to it," I muttered begrudgingly after a few more moments of stifling silence, pulling the t-shirt over my head. Just before I went to unbutton my pants I heard a loud gasp from behind. Swirling around, I didn’t bother covering myself up, knowing we were alone in the room.

 

The girl in the far back, a haughty blonde with a narrow face was staring at me wide-eyed, her face turning red as her eyes flitted lower onto my chest. Following her stare, I looked down at my tattoo wondering what the hell was wrong with her. I raised my eyebrows, shooting her a questioning look.

Blushing even more, she hastily pulled the stockings on her legs higher before practically running out of the room, followed by the other girl. I watched them leave, asking myself what bat of hell chased them when Susan suddenly started snickering, quickly clapping her hands over her mouth, stifling every sound of laughter.

Holding my arms out, I once again looked down at my bra-clasped torso before turning towards her. “What?”

 

It took Susan a moment to compose but when she took her hands away, there still was a small smile playing around her mouth. “Don´t bother with Jeal, she just takes rules _really_ seriously. Modesty is a big one for us and you just pulling your t-shirt off as if it´s nothing… It just shocked her.” She shrugged her shoulders, hesitantly adding.

“Not to mention that your undergarments would be considered… scandalous.”

 

“What´s wrong with it?” Tugging at my lace covered bra, I frowned at her. “This _is_ modest. And for the undressing thing, it´s normal. There are a lot of people who have seen so much more than this.”

 

“No, for us it is not.” Giving me an apologetic smile, she shrugged her shoulders again. “But your tattoo looks beautiful.”

 

Smiling at her, I pulled the clasp away without uncovering myself completely to show her the maze running over the valley of my breasts down my torso. “Right? It was done to match someone else’s tattoo.”

 

“That person must be someone special then, for you to share something so intimate with.” Susan said, looking down at her shoes as if this simple question somehow overstepped an imaginary boundary.

I didn’t mind her question, but the memory it brought with it stung, too fresh still.

Looking down myself, I gulped heavily.

 

“He is.” Was all I replied. Unbuttoning my pants and stepping out of my boots, I realized that I was the last one who hadn’t changed, effectively wasting everyone´s time. Grabbing the waistline, I bend over, pulling the last piece of dauntless away from my body.

Just as I lifted my foot to pull the trousers of my legs, I heard Susan behind me choking and spluttering for air, collapsing on her bed. Peeking up at her beet red face, I realized what kind of underwear I was wearing.

A G-string definitely wasn’t appropriate for abnegation.

* * *

When I had dressed in the baggy thing, the uncomfortable scratchy stockings, and the stiff shoes I hurried after Susan down the corridor and towards the smell of food, my stomach grumbling loudly. She turned the corner and I followed, almost running into her back when she stopped abruptly. I almost cursed out loudly before realizing that there was a man in front of her, standing tall and right in the way.

 

Susan had her eyes lowered to her shoes, face blushing a gentle shade of red while our leader stared down at her, lips pinched tightly. Looking away from her, Marcus Eaton’s eyes found mine and I held his stare for a second before mirroring her stance, submissive.

He was quiet for a second, his voice stern when he addressed us.

 

“You two are late. Wasting one other´s time isn´t selfless now, is it? You should know better, Susan.” Marcus reprimanded her and I felt the unease of someone being accused wrongly coiling in my guts. I spoke up before even realizing it.

 

“It was my fault, Sir. I´m really sorry, I just had trouble with the clothes since I´m not quite used dressing like this and Susan was selfless enough to help me.” Smiling sweetly, I tried to sway him in my favor, but all he did was narrowing his eyes minimally, his eyes raking over my form as if only now taking in what I was wearing.

He hesitated for a second before nodding, a small breath of relief leaving my body. “Good, but don´t let it happen again.”

 

“Of course not, Sir.” Almost gagging, disgusted by my own sucking up, I bowed my head in a sign of respect I wasn’t feeling towards him before hurrying into the room where the rest of the initiates were waiting, plates of steaming chicken and vegetables in front of them.

 

Luckily Susan took the seat next to the girl I found out was named Grace, her naturally red hair pulled up in a tight know while mine was in a simple ponytail, way too long for such an updo. I sat in between my new friend and Benjamin, who immediately started chatting animatedly, not noticing the reprimanding stares everyone shot him.

Trying to talk as less as possible without being rude, I accepted the food he handed me, placing two pieces of chicken on my plate before handing it to Susan on my right like I was supposed to. Piling more vegetables on it, I amusedly listened to Benjamin who entertained everyone in the building with his story about a farmer who chased his piglets that escaped from the barn and landed face first in a pile of horse dung after being kicked by a bull.

Letting out a breathy laugh, I tried to control my clenching abdominal muscles and was rather successful in staying quiet.

But one of the guys had just been drinking from his water and choked on it, snorting so hard it came back out of his nose which in return made it even harder for everyone to hold their laughter in.

 

Susan beside me was failing just as I was, but Benjamin didn’t even bother trying, his booming laugh resonating through the room. I almost joined in, the jovial nature of our conversation making me almost forget about the weight on my chest but suddenly I felt a chill go down my spine. Feeling a harsh stare rest on me, I sobered up instantly, nervous about being called out again.

Three reprimands in the first day surely wouldn't do me any good, especially if they came from the man who led our government himself.

 

Needing to busy my hands, I pieced a piece of chicken and bit into it, waiting for the spicy flavor to satisfy my taste buds but instead I tasted… nothing.

The more I chewed the worse it got, the dry pieces of meat impossible to be swallowed so I reached for my cup, washing it all down.

I turned the chicken on my fork, examining it closely before turning towards Susan, mumbling into her ear. “Do you not have any spices?”

 

“It´s unnecessary.” She shrugged, taking a bite herself. To my displeasure, she had no problems with the food, most likely because it was everything she knew.

Looking at the steamed vegetables and the lonely piece of bread, I longed for a greasy burger and a huge slice of dauntless cake I knew it would most likely never taste again.

Telling myself to get over it, I started shoveling the food into my mouth as graceful as possible, only chewing the necessary times before gulping it down with lots of water.

After I was done, I was no longer hungry but strangely unsatisfied, my mood getting gradually worse until we got up and had to help clean the dishes.

They said it was the way we did things – I included.

 

By now, all I wanted to do was curl up on my bed but after we had cleaned up, Natalie took me to the side and into another room where she held up a pair of scissors. I knew it would come but seeing my waist long hair with the red tips float to the ground while she cut it until it ended my upper back made me tear up just the same.

I tried brushing them away before Natalie could see angry at myself for this display of weakness, but when she squeezed my hand, I knew I had failed.

Eric would punish me for this alone, not to mention every other situation I had fucked up today.

 

“It´s just hair, it´ll grow again.” Natalie tried consoling me with a motherly smile, twisting my now short hair into the bun that would be as tight as the confinements of my life from this day onward. “I know it is hard, but it will get easier soon.”

 

“But will it really?” I questioned silently, not knowing which answer I wanted to come out of her mouth. Fitting in here meant losing myself. And not fitting in would mean becoming factionless, something that was worse than death.

 

Doubting her statement, I met Natalie´s eyes in the small mirror above the rusty sink, hers shining with a certainty, with knowledge I wished to possess.

 

“It will.”

* * *

 

Rolling around in the bed, I flattened out the pillow, annoyed that sleep seemed to avoid me. The blanket was too thin, the mattress too hard, the pillow too flat and the breath of three people to agitating to keep my eyes closed for more than a minute. Not to mention that the nightgown I was wearing almost went down to my feet, stifling for someone who used to sleep in underwear and a top.

 

I knew that it was probably only the new surroundings that made it impossible to drift off and asked myself if there were initiates at dauntless right now that felt the same way, the compound too dark, too scary with all its corners and niches, all the places you could fall to your death. I, on the other hand, longed for the roughness of it, knowing it obscured what really hid behind – a faction of crazy misfits, a dysfunctional but heartfelt family.

My home.

 

Sighing, I rolled around, closed my eyes and willed myself to not move, having heard that after fifteen minutes of staying in the same position the body slowly drifted to sleep. Of course, it could have been Uri and his half-truths messing with me but there was hope anyway.

 

A gentle knock made me jump back up and my head whipped to the window, a hand pressed to my chest. At first, I thought I had imagined it but when a shadow fell into the room, I froze.

It couldn’t be, could it…?

 

Scampering off the bed, I tried not to wake the others as I hurried to the window, pushing it up. A figure completely clad in black stood to the side, only turning his head when he heard the glass slide open.

I stared into the emotionless face of Eric, almost hidden behind the hood of his jacket, face unreadable. He motioned with a nod for me to follow him, not bothering to help as I climbed out of the window, landing on my knees as the nightgown tangled itself around my feet.

 

Getting up, I dusted off my hands, cursing the material that spotted huge grass stains and hurried after Eric as fast as it was possible with me being barefoot. He had disappeared behind one of the houses but when I arrived where I had last seen him, he was gone. Looking around widely, I picked up my pace almost screaming out loud when a pair of broad arms pulled me into a dark niche, caging me against the wall of what I recognized to be the supply building.

 

The only source of lighting while I clung to his vest was the full moon glowing above us, giving the entire scene an almost surreal feeling, the whole world bathed in silver. Letting out a deep breath, I tried to calm down my pounding heart but his close proximity did nothing to help, the heat his body emitted only making it worse.

After a few moments of staring at the dirty grass beneath my bare toes, I had mustered enough courage to look up to meet his tired eyes. I had no doubt that it has been a long day for him too and I almost asked what was wrong before realizing that we were standing in the middle of abnegation – and that I left him.

Letting out a sigh, I closed my eyes briefly, searching for words to explain what happened today. I came up short. “What are you doing here, Eric?”, was all I managed to get out.

 

His body grew taut under my grip, not liking my tone as I refused to look at him again. “What do _you_ think I´m doing, Casey? Maybe trying to figure out what the hell happened today!”

If his biting sarcasm hadn´t been directed at me, his antics would have made me smile, his harshness so familiar. But now, it just tilted the knife in my chest a little further, a little farther inside.

 

Sagging my shoulders, I stared at the path we´d come from suddenly finding the grey building to my right more than interesting. “I have no idea.” I whispered finally, letting myself sag further against the wall, every last bit of energy drained from my exhausted body.

 

“Cas,” Eric tilted my chin up, forcing me to look into his troubled, grey eyes. They bewitched me, forcing me to stay put until his words shattered every illusion his gaze had wrapped us in. “I want you to come home with me. Right now.”

 

Scoffing incredulous, I tried to get more space between us but he wasn´t bulking. Narrowing my eyes at him, my tone was sharp. “Are you serious?!”

 

“Of course I am.” Searching his face to see if he was joking, I realized that he indeed was serious. His openness touched me deeply but I knew it was impossible. Hiding the cracks in my facade his words caused, I looked up condescending.

 

“Oh, and how would you do that? Smuggle me in and hide me in your flat while I become officially factionless?” If my sarcasm bothered him, he didn’t let it show.

 

“I´m a leader, I can do whatever I want.” Was his calm reply, but his façade was too slowly crumbling. “Listen,” Eric started, forcing me to look at him when I once again turned my head away, his voice underlying a certain urgency. “I don´t even want to know why the hell you thought it would be a good idea to transfer to fucking _abnegation_ , just come back with me. We can fix this before it´s too late.”

 

“Once you made your choice it´s done, right?” I asked rhetorically, a lump growing in my throat as I watched his jaw harden, not taking lightly to me opposing every single one of his words. “There is no way for me to go back, Eric.”

 

“There are a few.” He countered immediately, always having to have the last word in. “Like marriage.” He only shrugged his shoulders as if it meant nothing more to him than a piece of paper, while my eyes widened, mouth standing open.

 

“Eric,” I breathed, asking myself who the person in front me was. This proposal, if he really meant it, was nothing that would leave his mouth caught dead. “I´m not going to marry you just to go back to a place where everyone despises me because I made one choice they didn’t agree with!”

 

“So there´s no other reason, Cas?” Tightening his grip on my shoulders, he clenched his teeth, his cold eyes lightening up with white-hot blaze. “Didn’t you just tell me last night that you loved me? I guess not.”

 

His words hit me like a brick and I had to avert my eyes before the scorching intensity of his gaze turned me to ash. Swallowing tightly, I clenched my fists, trying to make my voice come out steady and forceful. “Listen, I can´t just leave here.”

 

“And why the hell not?!” This time Eric didn’t even try to level his voice, the power behind it mirrored by his stance almost intimidating.

 

“Because I just can´t!” I cried out, trying to push him away from me but he was too heavy, too strong and unyielding as he swiftly captured my wrists in one of his hands, pinning them to the wall above me. “Let me go!”

I tried kicking him but Eric just let himself sag against me, pinning my whole body against the wall, his face looming above mine.

 

“Give me one good reason, Cas, and I´ll leave.” Feeling his hot breath on my face, his intoxicating scent luring me in, I lightly shook my head trying to clear my thoughts as he whispered into my ear. “Just one. Or I´ll take you home kicking and screaming like I should have done it in the hub.”

 

“Maybe,” Blinking rapidly, I stuttered out the first thing on my mind. “we´re not meant to be.”

 

Eric´s disbelieving laugh pulled me out of my dazed state and I watched him with furrowed brows, his unwillingness to just let me go infuriating and elating at once.

I wished he would just leave, leave me here to live my new colorless life.

I wished he would have made true on his words and just swept me up, to hide me away in his apartment, just the two of us for the rest of our life, nothing else.

 

“None of that amity bullshit, Cas.” Opening my mouth, I contemplated what to say next but he just shook his head, his expression not allowing any objections. “You´ve had your chance.”

 

“Eric…” I tried to reason with him but before I could get out more than his name his mouth was on mine, using my surprise to thrust his tongue inside, his free hand going to my thigh while his other still held my wrists secure. Pulling my leg up, he encouraged me to sling it around his waist and as if it was by reflex, I complied, my arms falling onto his shoulders as he let go to grab my other thigh.

Clinging onto him, I moaned as he ground his pelvis into mine, his member already hard against my core. What exactly about our argument was arousing, I had no idea, but felt the same way, grinding against him. Holding me up with one arm, he struggled to open his belt, almost ripping off the button as he was done, his pants hanging lowly on his hips.

 

Freeing himself, Eric slowly, sensually ran his fingers over my thigh, bunching up the long, white nightgown that left nothing to the imagination until I was fully exposed to him. A low groan forced itself from his throat as he reached my ass, discovering that I wasn’t wearing anything beneath it.

His ministrations turned more urgent, lips meeting mine with bruising force, teeth pulling biting as he forced himself between my hips, searching.

Finding his target, he slammed home with all might leaving me breathless from the sudden intrusion, the fullness overwhelming as I cried out. Not one second wasted, he pulled his hips back until he left me almost completely, the only indication of the next vicious thrust, the tensing of his muscles beneath my legs.

Swallowing my cries with his lips on mine, Eric´s hand wandered towards my throat, his fingers tightening the faster his hips snapped, the closer he got to release. He pushed my jaw up and replaced his fingers with his lips, bracing himself against the wall he bit me, tongue soothing the marked flesh when he pulled back.

The oh-so-familiar rhythm of his hips meeting mine, his teeth raking over my skin, the sheer feeling of his body pressed against mine making us one brought me closer to the edge and I gripped his vest with all might, fingernails biting into stiff fabric.

With a grunt, he pressed his pelvis against mine hitting each one of my spots and my body shattered against him so violently I almost missed his release spilling inside me, painting my insides with the color of love.

Clinging to each other like to a lifeline we caught our breaths, slumped against the grey building in the middle of the abnegation sector.

 

I was the first one to come to my senses, hearing voices in the distant, slowly coming closer. The rising panic cleared the fog in my brain and I pushed Eric away with all my strength, making him stumble, almost hitting the wall of the building behind him.

Tugging my nightgown down, I tried brushing the dirt away but the grass stains wouldn’t magically disappear, I would have to wash them later. If I hadn´t felt naked before, I certainly did now with Eric staring at me in bewilderment, arms crossing to hide my bareness.

As if modesty suddenly became important.

 

"Casey." Eric took a hesitant step towards me, arms outstretched as if he was approaching a scared animal. Frantically shaking my head, I stumbled backward, hands raised, signaling him to stay away, my mind made up.

 

"Stop!" My voice cracked. "I mean it Eric, stay where you are!" I didn't stop walking backward, not even in surprise when he did freeze rooted to his spot, my obvious distress disturbing him. “Don´t come here again.”

 

“Cas, wha–”

 

“NO!” My voice rang through the night, both of us flinching away from the volume. “No.” I repeated quieter, almost whispering. Closing my eyes for one short, pain-filled moment I shook my head, slowly this time. “I mean it, Eric. Don´t make it harder than it already is. Stay away from here, don´t come back.”

 

Gathering up the fabric of my nightdress, I took one last look at him, my heart shattering deep within my chest before turning around, running away. Pressing one hand to my mouth, I tried to muffle my sobs, not even caring if someone saw me in my disheveled state as I sprinted through the darkness, grey building blurring behind tears.

Letting my bare feet carry me, my mind still in that little alley I reached the window of the dorms, somehow heaving myself inside landing harshly on the floor.

Pulling myself into the bed, I neither felt the hard mattress nor the coldness from the thin blanket, the ice spreading slowly through my bloodstream numbing my whole body as I just lay there, tears streaming over my face.

My mind in overdrive, haunting me with the imagine of the love of my life left behind in the dark, his glowing grey eyes turning duller, more lifeless with each step I took away from him. Maybe, we really weren’t meant to be.

 

Star-crossed lovers, is it that what they should call us?

A lifetime of what-if´s destroyed by a megalomaniac plan and a single drop of blood?

What a fragile thing happiness must be if one wrong decision can destroy everything you ever wanted, everything you ever wished for. What is the thing you want the most, the deepest and maybe darkest desire of your heart?

For me, it was him. It would always be him.

 

That was the first night I cried myself to sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I`m sorry for the long wait.. It was really hot the past few days, leaving me with a headache every evening when I wanted to write..
> 
> The response to the first chapter was just amazing, thank you soo much!! I hope you like this chapter too, even if I´m not 100 percent satisfied with how it turned out, or at least with my writing :D
> 
> Thank you so much for reading & all of you who left reviews, it really makes my day to hear from you! :)
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	3. Chapter 3

_We're not lovers_ __  
We're just strangers  
With the same damn hunger  
To be touched, to be loved  
To feel anything at all  
  
I miss the mornings with you laying in my bed  
I miss the memories replaying in my head  
I miss the thought of a forever, you and me

_Halsey - Strangers_

**I was woken up way too early** and I opened my eyes, immediately hit with a terrible headache, eyes red and completely exhausted, not having gotten much sleep to begin with, the sun hadn’t even risen yet. I felt like a zombie.

Natalie had come into the room, shaking us awake one by one, waiting in the hallway while we got up. Almost falling out of my bed, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes only being able to guess how I looked like. What I would have given for a hot shower, a mirror, a little make-up to hide the bags beneath my eyes and Eri–

No, don´t even go there.

 

Looking up through burning eyes I found Susan staring at my nightgown and following her line of sight, I realized that the once white gown was almost completely stained with green and brown on the bottom, making it obvious that I had been outside last night. I just hoped there was something to hide the bite marks on my neck with – and suddenly I was thankful for the high-rising neckline of my dress.

Giving her a tight smile, I shrugged my shoulders.

“Couldn’t sleep…”

 

Reciprocating, Susan´s expression was soft as she tightened the stocks on her legs before slipping into her shoes, her appearance immaculate while I struggled to get the dress over my head.

“I thought I heard something last night. I´m sure it be easier this night. We have a long day in front of us.”

 

Scrunching up my face, I ran a hand through my hair mourning the lost strands. Watching how Susan did her bun with ease, I tried to mirror her movements but mine was way too lose, falling apart instantly. After two more tries, I gave up, looking over to her in despair, holding out a hair clip. "Can you help me, please?"

 

“Of course.” Hurrying over, Susan gently took the clip and twisted my hair up with one turn of her wrist, pinning it tightly to my head so it wouldn’t be in the way later.

 

“Thank you.” I gave her a tired but genuine smile that she returned and after I tied up my shoes we followed the other two out of the room, this time punctual.

Natalie waited in front of the door, immediately leading us into the foyer where the boys already stood, ready to face the day.

 

The first thing we did was preparing breakfast for ourselves which even I managed. It was a tasteless mush consisting of oatmeal and milk, cooked until it was grey and resembled baby food more than actual food. Forcing it down my throat, I suppressed every thought of muffins, scrambled eggs, bacon, and sausages, knowing it would only further my frustration. There was almost no conversation on our table and for once I didn’t care, too tired to fully keep my eyes nonetheless actively participating.

Not without coffee.

 

I was only shoving the food from side to side with my spoon when Marcus arrived, freshly shaven as he told us to get up and follow him. Doing as we were told we first had to do the dishes before each of us received the clothes they had taken from us last night, tightly bundled up and held together with cord. Leading us outside we were met by the first rays of sunshine and I closed my eyes, for a moment just reveling feeling the warmth on my skin –

Until Marcus´ voice disrupted the tranquility of the scene.

 

“What you have in hands,” he started, hands folded in front of him, a content smile on his face. “is your old life. Instead of burning and throwing it away, which would be a waste, you will gift it to a person of your choice, choosing to let go of the life you are used – is it dependent of our faction, or another – you are a part of us now, adults, honorable members of our society. And we expect that you behave as such.” His dark blue eyes flitting over us, stopping at me a moment longer before addressing us all again.

“Once you have completed initiation, visiting day marking the end of the four weeks, you, that are from here, can return home to share dinner with your parents as equals, not having to wait until you are allowed to speak. Those who come from different factions will have the opportunity to show their families around – if they should come.”

 

Hearing that the children here weren’t allowed to speak up, I furrowed my brows, asking myself why anyone would want their children to be quiet but when he mentioned visiting day, my heart fell. There was no way even a single member of my family would come to see me, to see the embarrassment, the shunned human I had become.

 

Lost in thought, I didn’t realize Marcus had stopped speaking and led them away, rooted to my spot, gnawing my cheek. Looking up, I saw that they were already several feet away and I hurried after them, the bundle tucked safely under my arm.

Falling into step with Susan, who shot me a questioning look, I gave her a smile and waved it off.

Maybe, Abnegation wouldn’t be so bad as long as I had one friend by my side.

 

 

It took us only fifteen minutes to arrive at the factionless shelter where abnegation gave out food, clothing and sometimes medicine. It was only logical that they would stay so close to their only food source, only starting to become a threat when the stronger ones thought they deserved more than they received. I had seen it, accompanying my brother on patrols frequently. I just prayed he wasn’t there this time.

 

The shelter was like I remembered it, mostly woman and elderly, the odd kid that was condemned to live this way without having a chance to redemption all because of its parent’s fault. The whole warehouse was full of scrap, old tables and metal wires, lots of blankets building tents and separating segments from each other.

I know, for the ones that had to search through assembly points like this it was pure hell. The fluttering clothes hiding potential dangers and movements, every piece of metal could be used as a weapon and if you didn’t pay attention or when you´re caught off guard you could shot a child instead of the attacker you assumed hid behind the next wall.

It had happened before and it will happen again.

 

Additionally to our old clothes, we had been given a small package consisting of food I was sure was tastier than the stuff we got this morning and I asked myself if they really deserved it after all the stories I´d been told. Then I remembered that my whole life would be devoted to helping them from now on and I forced every one of those tales, every prejudice against factionless to the back of my head, locking them in tightly.

Strolling the rows of factionless, still weary, I had not the slightest idea who I should give the stuff in my hands or how to even approach them until I came across a girl close to my age and statue, her black hair skillfully braided but her clothes tattered.

But the way she held herself as she sat cross-legged, fiddling with a piece of metal in her hand reminded me so much of dauntless that I deemed her worthy of wearing their colors.

Approaching her carefully, I waited until she looked up with a questioning expression until I handed her the items expecting her to rip them out of my hands.

But she merely raised one eyebrow, slowly stretching her hand out to take them from me, her face betraying nothing as she stared at the black fabric.

“I thought they would fit you. The boots are new so they should last for some time or you can trade them for… whatever.”

 

She stayed silent and I was already preparing to leave, angry at myself for giving the last things that reminded me of home to someone so ungrateful when she did speak.

“A dauntless transferring to abnegation. How the hell did that happen?”

 

“That´s none of you fucking business.” Turning back to her, I smiled sickly sweet, the audacity making my blood boil. But instead of getting up, ready to fight me the girl just started smirking, her face promising nothing but mischief.

 

“Couldn’t be because you´re meek, that much´s clear.” She winked at me but a movement from behind me had all traces of amusement vanish from her face, going back to the stony way it was before. A person stepped up to us, his hawk-like eyes narrowing in at the bundle on the girl's lap, his lips curling up into a smile that looked wrong seeing on his face.

 

“I see, you understand what it means to give, Casey. But we don´t swear, never. Do you understand?”

 

“Of course, Marcus. I´m sorry.” Bowing my head, I avoided his gaze, the frustration inside me running high because he seemed to always be there when I was making a mistake. He tutted once at me before bowing his head to the girl, walking away without a glance back. I watched his back disappear further down the hall, stopping beside one of the boys who was giving an apple to a little boy.

Until she spoke, I´ve had no idea that the girl was doing the same, her face contorted into a sneer as she watched him patronizingly lecture the other initiate, too.

 

“Be careful of that one.” Her voice was quiet, but commanding, laced with something akin to distrust. “He´s not all he seems. Behind that posh exterior of his, he doesn’t hide a pile of gold.”

 

“Believe me,” I assured her, watching the smile on Marcus' face crumble the second he thought no one was watching him. “I know.”

* * *

 

After we had helped giving food to the factionless that had been brought by other members, we went back to the headquarters to prepare our meal – steamed vegetables, chicken and mashed potatoes once again – this time diverting into two groups: the first would cook, the second do the dishes.

Following Susan´s lead, we were the ones responsible for the vegetables and cutting the carrot into tiny pieces, even the knife felt wrong in my hand, the kitchen void of any small talk like it was usual with the dauntless cooks where their knives doubled as ones to throw at the head of the person you had a misunderstanding with. I can´t count how many of them Eri– the leaders had to punish because of it.

It had always been fun to watch full-grown man shrink a size when one of them approached, suddenly not able to hurt a fly.

Those cowards.

 

After we ate, we were ushered outside again without a break, claiming that personal time was wasteful and therefore selfish and before I knew what was going on I had already been ordered to help an elderly lady clean her house, a mop in hand.

Seeing me stare at the thing as if it was a torture device, she started laughing slightly and grabbed it from my hand, showing me step by step what to do.

With a few mishaps, I managed to get the whole house cleaned just in time for dinner, the nice lady who I got to know as Mrs. Miller secretly placing a piece of candy in my pocket, claiming with a wink that we deserved a treat sometimes too.

Her little act of kindness made my whole day and I didn’t even ask Susan why she behaved strange at dinner, fidgeting around while avoiding my eyes, dismissing it as exhaustion after the long day we had.

 

But when I arrived at the dorms as the last one, having used the bathroom while Susan had excused herself ten minutes prior, claiming she had something important to do, I realized why she had behaved so strange.

 

Marcus Eaten was standing inside our dorm, his hand tightly closed around a white piece of fabric, Susan behind him, eyes lowered to the floor, hands fidgeting. She looked guilty.

The other two were standing beside their beds, both too not daring to look up as Marcus turned towards me.

Watching the whole scene in confusion, it took me a moment to figure out what was happening, the scene too close to the ones at home shortly before someone was punished. That was until Marcus held out his hand, scrutinizing me with narrowed eyes while I tried to understand what he wanted with the cloth and I realized with a sinking stomach that it was the nightgown I had worn yesterday, the strains on the once snow-white fabric a stark contrast.

He knew. He fucking knew.

 

“Come with me.”

* * *

 

I was sitting in an uncomfortable chair in Marcus´ office facing the desk he was behind watching me with folded hands while I stared at the floor, his intense gaze on my skin making me uncomfortable. We had been here for over ten minutes without one word coming out of his mouth since he commanded me to follow him and I obeyed not without shooting Susan a dirty look, knowing exactly where she had been when she had claimed to have something important to do that couldn’t wait.

I was familiar with this tactic of intimidation, Eric used it all the time, just like my mother who had me sweating in fright every time she pulled this act even when I wasn’t aware I had done something wrong.

But with the man in front of me, it was something different.

 

He was an unknown force, I had no idea if I was here so he could simply lecture me if I would be punished… or worse. Scraping away on the remaining polish on my nails, I tried to think of anything else but the man in front of me, like how I was disgusting myself acting all meek when all I wanted to tell him that it was none of his damn business.

Of course, I didn’t.

 

Marcus cleared his throat and my head whipped up, for the first time since coming into this room meeting his eyes.

“There were reports of an incident last night. Have you heard anything about them?”

 

“No, Sir. I was too busy today to make much conversation.” I replied respectfully and honestly. I had heard nothing, abnegation wasn’t exactly known for gossip.

 

“Well, then let me enlighten you,” Marcus spoke patronizingly, but his voice held a sharp edge indicating that he was less than pleased. “last night around one am one of our members thought to hear noises around the perimeter. He said he was afraid factionless were trying to break into the supply building, but all he spotted was a member of dauntless. I think we both know why he was here.” I turned my head away until the movement of his hand had me look back towards him, where he placed the once white nightgown on the desk.

“ _This_ explains enough. But what I would like to know from you, Casey, is why he was here and why you thought it would be a good idea to leave the dorms after curfew and with a man nonetheless.”

 

“He just wanted to say goodbye.” Was all I muttered, staring at my feet slowly blinking. Just thinking about last night and the way I send him away physically hurt – but speaking it out loud was sheer agony.

 

“I didn’t understand you. Speak up.” Imagining to detect a small undertone of glee in his voice, almost undetectable, I gripped the fabric of my skirt in my fist to restrain myself, eyes hard as I looked back up at him.

 

"He just wanted to say goodbye. I send him away." My voice was sharp when I began but at the end, it almost cracked, the image of running away from him after he proposed in a way that was just _so Eric_ … I wanted nothing more than to curl back up in my bed and cry – and almost never cried.

 

“Right.” Marcus raised one eyebrow, clearly not believing me. Aligning the sheets of paper on his desk until they were in a neat stack, his voice was reprimanding as he spoke after a few moments, his unnervingly blue eyes making me feel vulnerable – as if I was nude in front of him. “One thing you have to know, Casey. We don´t take lightly to adultery.”

 

 _Silence_ , then…

 

“Adultery?” I exclaimed unbelievingly sure I had misunderstood him. There was no way in hell… “How…. _What?!..._ I´m not even married!”

 

"And if you won´t stop these escapes you may never be." _The audacity._ Fueled by rage I jumped up, the chair almost topping over by the sheer force of my movements. Right now, I didn’t give a fuck where I was or who he was.

Still, I held back. I dauntless his jaw would already be broken, shattered in at least three places. _No one_ fucked with me like that.

 

“With all respect, Sir,” I spat, voice shaking with the force of my anger, the form of address just mocking the title he would never deserve in my eyes. “I don´t think my love life is supposed to be any of your interest.”

 

"Well, if your lack thereof isn't proven you may be right. Because then, unfortunately, you will no longer be a part of our initiation.”

 

I froze, his words making my whole body run cold. Factionless was worse than death, definitely worse than this and I suddenly realized that the bastard in front of me had all right and all the power to throw me out right now, just for my outburst alone not to mention the act of intercourse he hopefully knew nothing about. But looking at him, I realized he at least had a strong presumption as to what had happened last night.

I let out a shaky breath.

 

“If you calmed down enough, you may sit down again so we can discuss your options.” Marcus stayed calm, his expression not once betraying what he thought of my performance and I only nodded, silently taking my seat, the white-hot rage diminished by the ice running through my veins.

“Thank you.”

 

Too afraid to blurt out what I really wanted to tell him in the most elaborate version, I kept my mouth shut, waiting for Marcus to go on and he did, all business as he pulled out a record, flattening on the desk in front of him. Folding his hands, he watched me over the rim of his fingers.

 

“I understand that you may still have problems fitting in here but acting on impulses will only get you in more trouble than you´re already in.” I bit my cheek until I tasted blood, refraining myself from telling him that he had no idea what he was talking about. “And because you´re new and showed today that you are a reliable force, I will overlook this unfortunate incident for once. But –” Raising his eyebrows at me, he interrupted my relieved exhale and I tensed again, the expectant expression on his voice promising nothing good.

“you will still serve your punishment – even though I would consider it more of a chance for you to get used to the humble life we´re living here.” He gave me a smile. “ You know how much of a busy man I am, so I along with other members decided it would be good for me to have an… assistant of sort, if you want to call it that. And that´s where you come into play." Marcus watched me expectantly and even though it sounded like an offer, in reality, it was a command.

 

I gulped, sensing where this was heading and continued gnawing on my raw cheek. The prospect of working with Marcus for the whole four weeks of initiation – and maybe even after – were nauseating… but wasn’t that my chance?

Wasn’t this exactly why I was here, to get closer to him, win his trust?

If, then I had just come my goal a lot closer –  and with that my freedom.

 

An anxious feeling grew in my guts, working under the leader of the government meant I had to attend meetings with leaders from all factions but it was basically the perfect opportunity for me so I swallowed down my inhibitions, looking him into the eyes.

 

“What would I have to do?”

 

“Well,” Leaning back in his chair, Marcus folded his hands in front of his stomach. “ for the last four years, since the person that run the household… resigned, there has been a number of members who helped clean and brought meals whenever I ate at home. That would be your field of duty but since I need someone here and occasionally for notes in meetings, too, you would also accompany to those.”

 

"So I would basically cater to your every whim?" I slipped with my words without noticing but when I tried paddling backward, he just chuckled.

 

“I´m a man who is easily satisfied, Casey, which you will soon know.” My skin started to crawl, the sentence too suggestive for my liking. Not noticing my disgust, Marcus sat up straight again, laying his hands on the desk.

 

“Of course, Sir.” I gave him a tight, insincere smile, slowly getting off my chair since I had the feeling that this ‘meeting’ had come to an end. “Is that all.”

 

“I think so.” He replied, already absorbed in the report lying on his desk, not sparing me another glance. Nodding to myself, I awkwardly turned around ready to flee the room. But Marcus seemed to have changed his mind and I froze on my spot, turning around with a questioning look.

 

“Casey, one last thing: I can´t trust you not to leave through the window again, even though you surely learned from your mistakes you won´t be staying in the dorms for the duration of those four weeks.” He reminded me of the principle who always liked to call me into his office, expressing his displeasure towards my actions, sitting in front of the sturdy desk like that, not fully giving me his attention but expecting mine.

 

“And where am I supposed to go?” I asked alarmed, ice running through my veins, afraid he had changed his mind and let me fail initiation after just one day. I´m sure that would be some sort of record.

The patronizing smile on his face didn’t help to relieve my unease.

 

“Since we will be working closely together and I have two free rooms in my house you will stay in one of those. That way it will be easier for me to keep an eye on you.” For a second, my world stopped spinning as I stared at him, unbelieving until it started turning again, faster and faster until I had the feeling I was losing my footing, slipping right of the edge, just floating in space, being drowned by moonlight.

 

“Won´t that be unseemly for me to live with you alone, Sir?” My voice was slightly hysterical even though I tried my best not to show any emotions. It was one thing to work closely with Marcus Eaton but living with him? No, no fucking way.

Eric was an excellent judge of character, he hated the leader of our government and I trusted him, trusted the only man I ever loved.

But seeing the serious expression he wore, the warning for me to keep myself in line I knew there was no way out of this hell.

Maybe never.

 

"I´m one of the most highly regarded members of this faction and I sadly have too much to do to take care of my household on my own," Marcus spoke, his voice coolly and tolerating no dissent. “You living with me will be a win-win situation for us both Casey. I will show you how to master the act of selflessness and you provide me with your assistance in whatever I may need. You will see, many would be honored to be in your position.

You have ten minutes to get your clothes, then we will leave together.

Hurry,” He said without glancing up from his paper. “letting others wait for you is selfish.”

* * *

 

By the time, I arrived at the dorm, I was furious, fuming, but I was also aware of the fact that one more transgression would mean Marcus would throw me out into the streets. Maybe the girl from earlier would give me back my clothes even though it was not likely. Once they had something in their hands they would let go only over their dead body.

 

Throwing the door open, I marched into the room ignoring the two´s shocked faces and Susan who jumped off her bed, her face contorted into worry I knew now was fake. She took a hesitant step forward, wringing her hands violently as she looked up at me with her doe eyes. Shooting her a glare, I walked right past not even bothering to acknowledge her existence. But she obviously didn’t get the memo that I wanted nothing to do with her, walking after me.

  
“Casey, listen, I – “ Whirling around, I took two quick steps towards her getting right into her face. My eyes were blazing with fire and she flinched back obviously afraid. Good.

 

“Let me tell you something, _Susan_.” I spat, dragging my gaze over her, disgusted. “That innocence act doesn’t work on me. So take your misplaced sense of moral and shove it up your ass. Where I came from, you don´t snitch on people.”

 

“Casey, I´m really so-”Sneering at her, I turned towards my former bed and grabbed the handful of stuff I had been given, wanting nothing more than to get out of here. But when I turned around she was still in my way, looking all doe – eyed as if she couldn’t hurt a fly. But I knew better.

 

“Go. To. Hell.” Slamming my shoulder into hers, I left the stifling atmosphere of the room with a few wide strides, sending the two gawking bitches a glare that made the red-head, Grace, fall from her bed with a loud squeal.

Rolling my eyes, I refrained myself from throwing the door shut because it would have been heard throughout the whole headquarters, leaving it wide open instead as I made my way to the front door, (im-)patiently waiting for my tormenter to come lead me into my personal hell.

 

Obviously, letting people wait wasn’t selfish for our great leader because I had to wait over half an hour until he arrived, walking with Andrew Prior, who I recognized as a man on the council, obviously discussing leader business. They were so engrossed in their topic that they only realized I was standing in their way when they were right in front of me.

 

“Casey. Good, you´re here.” Marcus exclaimed with a small smile, gesturing for me to follow as they walked out of the building completely disregarding my existence as I trudged after them. Staring at their backs, hands full of clothes, I asked myself if they ignored me because I was an initiate – or because I was female.

Prior seemed to be alright but in the short time, I knew Marcus he got creepier with every minute I spent with him. With men of power, you never knew.

 

Feeling low, I was sort of happy when we finally arrived at Marcus´ house that resembled a big slab of concrete, like every single house in the abnegation district, and he stepped in first, turning on the light to expose a minimalistic furnished hallway leading towards the living room. He gave me a short tour of the downstairs, only consisting of the living room, a kitchen and dining room, everything held in grey. Even the holding cells in dauntless were more appealing.

 

Leading me upstairs he showed me the bathroom and with horror, I realized that I would have to share it with him but Marcus was fast to reassure me I wouldn’t see as much of him as I had feared.

 

“I mostly leave the house between 6.30 and 7 am.” He explained, slowly pushing open the door to the room I was supposed to stay in. “You have to report at the headquarters every day at quarter to eight, so if you get up early enough you can do the chores before breakfast or just after noon. In the mornings, you will mostly assist elderly members or those who need help, while most afternoons will be spent with council meetings and errands I need you to run. If you ever should end up in dauntless, I expect you to behave to our standards.”

I nodded, showing him that I had understood his warning and he went on, pulling a wrist watch out of his pocket.

“You can have this one, your alarm is already set for 7.15.”

 

Taking it cautiously as if it could bite, I said a small thank you before fastening it on my wrist, having to use the last hole to clasp it shut.

"Have a good night." Nodding once, Marcus left the room and for the first time this day I felt like I could breathe, the solitude refreshing. Whenever I was forced to be around people 24/7 I got so grumpy, even their breathing annoyed me. Changing into my new, clean nightgown, I scrunched up my face, disgusted that I couldn't take a shower tonight. But with Marcus right down the floor, it would have to wait until tomorrow morning when he was gone.

 

I realized with a start what this meant: that I was more than just lucky.

Not only had I a room all to myself, I was alone in this house almost _every day_ , meaning that I had enough time to search for the evidence Jeanine wanted to eliminate her strongest opponent. But what if he hid them in his office?

The meetings… he surely would have me by his side in the afternoon, filing in reports of some sorts. He´d just have to leave the room for ten minutes max. With that, I could work.

 

Letting myself fall back onto the bed that was more comfortable than the ones in the dorms, I smiled my first genuine smile since I arrived here, knowing that the goal that seemed so far away was manageable for me, that I could protect my family and everyone dear to me.

The only reason why I made my sacrifice.

For them, for Eric.

 

Eric… Knowing that I may be able to be back in his arms again sooner than I thought, I allowed my thoughts to drift to last night, the way his muscles had rippled against my bare skin, his hand on my throat, his member inside me… My hand slowly wandered downwards, bunching up the white fabric from my calf up to my tight until my fingers lightly skimmed the waistband of my panties, slipping under the unspectacular fabric, finding what they were searching for.

Slow, light circled turned faster and harder as they mirrored our favorite movements, the images of Eric surging through my head. Him shirtless, sweating after a notorious workout of his, nude, chest glistening with tiny water droplets as he stepped out of the shower, fingering me under the table while my brother was sitting opposite of us, or just the way he growled my name as he released inside me, his whole body rigid in pleasure as I writhed beneath him.

 

That was all it took and I came, his name just a breathless whisper on my lips, my climax bringing me just a fraction of the pleasure that racked my body yesterday. And still, it was enough.

Curling up into the grey blanket I turned to my side and soon sank into blissful sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow my chapters seem to get shorter each time… but after dropping that bomb on you I think it´s enough.. I also wanted to post another one since it has been three weeks since chapter two..
> 
> I´m not expecting that you like where this is going but I still hope you like the story itself :D I´m a little blown away by the response, the first chapter already has over 100 notes on tumblr, so thank you to everyone who liked/ reblogged & reviewed the chapters, it means so much to me! :)
> 
>   


	4. Chapter 4

_'Cause you know the truth hurts_ __  
But secrets kill  
Can't help thinkin' that I love it still  
Still here, there must be something real  
'Cause you know the good die young  
But so did this  
And so it must be better than I think it is  
  
Gimme those eyes, it's easy to forgive

_Hopeless_

**The first week went by** without another disaster, fast but somehow dragging at the same time. My days always looked the same: get up early, take a shower after Marcus left the house, then breakfast at the headquarters. After doing the dishes, we´d get our assignment for the day, the boys performing physically more demanding tasks like helping a member build a new house or shelter for the factionless while we girls helped the woman do their laundry in huge tubs, rubbing until our hands were raw or patching up clothes until my fingers were bleeding. At least I learned now how to sew.

My favorite task by far was watching the little children when their parents had to leave. Of course, I liked the little ones most, the toddlers and infants who were still child enough to be allowed to laugh and cry – not like the older ones that liked to stare at walls for fun.

They honestly frightened me.

 

After lunch came the time I dreaded most, hurrying back to the house, having less than an hour to make sure it was immaculate before reporting to Marcus´ office where I served the worst part of my punishment – spending time with him.

Luckily, we weren’t alone most of the time, the other members of the council sitting together with him in a slightly larger conference room while I was either taking notes or was sent away, the topic not meant for my ears. Every time this happened I was torn between the happiness of leaving the stifling room and regret that I wouldn’t be able to hear what they were discussing.

Even when Marcus let me participate he sent me home over an hour earlier to prepare dinner, a huge disaster for someone who had never even laid hand on a spatula, claiming that he wanted to have at least one meal at home, with my company of course. This half an hour was the worst of the day, sitting opposite of him with no topic to talk about. I was relieved every time he dismissed me, letting me do the dishes before I was allowed to go to bed, staring up at the ceiling until sleep took me, completely exhausted from the day.

The next morning everything started again and again and again…

An endless, tiring circle of hard work and sleep.

But not today.

 

Today, it was Sunday and like all good stiffs, Marcus insisted I would accompany him to the early service, starting at 6 am followed by a big breakfast, which surprisingly for once included fresh fruits from the Amity farm.

The worship was strange, having never attended one, all the kneeling, standing up and reciting lines confused me and by the time it was over, I was literally starving. To my astonishment, Benjamin fit right in here, maybe a little too cheerful to be Abnegation but it seemed that the peace serum had finally worn off leaving him as happy but more conservative.

 

Susan and most of the other initiates were also here. I had neither spoken to her nor accepted her apology, my nature wasn’t to forgive easily. Especially if her betrayal could have made me factionless – something I´m sure would have blown up my deal with Max.

Not wanting to appear as a loner, which I had never been, but also wary of the people around me I took a seat beside Benjamin who chatted lightly with the other boys mostly staying quiet, just enjoying the for once not tasteless fruit as I piled my plate with apples and strawberries.

 

I was barely finished when Marcus approached and told me to follow him. I complied an uneasy feeling in my guts, quietly fearing I had done something wrong again.

Turns out I hadn’t.

It was worse.

 

Ushering me into the one car that was owned by abnegation, only a little notebook and pen in my hand we were chauffeured through the city, towards the hub where a leader meeting would be held as Marcus informed me gratefully. Staring at him, I felt myself pale. This wasn’t a meeting more like my personal hell. Not even Andrew Prior´s comforting smile managed to make me feel calmer, my heartbeat racing uncomfortably in my chest.

Two leaders who condemned me to a life as an outcast, one who despised me so badly he kept me under his watch for 24/7 to make sure I didn’t fuck his faction up and my Ex-boyfriend who I´d left without any warning before literally running away from him.

One week wasn’t nearly enough to face him again.

But like always, I had no choice.

 

The driver held my door opened and I hesitated before catching Marcus agitated gaze, scrambling out of the vehicle almost tripping over the hem of my dress. Brushing it off, I didn't realize that Marcus had already stepped into the building not even bothering to wait up. Rolling my eyes, I followed him through the first story of the hub with quick steps the notepad securely tucked against my chest, doubling as a shield as I stepped into the room, keeping to the wall to not draw attention to myself.

But it didn’t work as planned since I was the only person in the room that had absolutely nothing to do with being a leader of the five factions. And they knew too.

 

“Don´t mind my assistant. She´s just here to take notes.” Marcus addressed the room lightly, thankfully drawing the attention away from my figure. I never really had a problem being the center of attention, dressed in my black uniform I basically reveled in it, blossoming, _thriving_ , but somehow now I felt indefinitely small. If it was the grey sack I was wearing, I didn’t know, the feeling of not being comfortable in my own skin so new, so raw that for the first time in my life I wished to have mastered the art of making myself disappear, to not be seen. I guess Marcus lectures were already working.

 

“Assistant? How… interesting.” Jeanine stated, her icy blue eyes full of morbid curiosity and… satisfaction as she basically devoured my appearance, searching for something only she knew. Her forehead furrowed as she concentrated, pretending she didn't know exactly who I was. "Aren't you the Dauntless transfer?"

 

“Yes, ma’am.” I gave her a tight smile, already tired of this make-believe. Not to mention that I despised her, the well-hidden threats behind the facts she had given me branded into my memory.

 

“Well… this year certainly was an interesting one, wasn’t it?” Jeanine smiled, her lips curling up to show her abnormally white teeth. The gesture reminded of a snarling dog, not less threatening than one, too. “I myself, too, have found an assistant from the rows of our transfers. Caleb is doing well, Andrew. He is extraordinarily intelligent if you take into regard that he… didn't have the time to deepen his lessons in his former faction." The small pause wasn't because Jeanine didn't know to say, she just chose not to speak it out loud but we all knew what she implied. He must be smart despite coming from Abnegation. As if erudite had a monopole on being smart.

Bitch.

“Let´s just hope yours will be as accommodating, Marcus. She must be impeccable if you choose her to work for you.”

 

“Quite the contrary, Jeanine.” Marcus countered and I felt my expression slip for a moment, narrowing my eyes at him. “I just thought that it would be the perfect opportunity for her to learn more about our way of life since it seems to be quite hard for her still. Isn´t that right, Casey?”

 

Avoiding the one gaze that had rested on me since I stepped into the room, I slowly lifted my eyes from the floor and met Max´s eyes how merely raised one eyebrow at me, regarding my reaction closely. Faking a smile so they wouldn’t see my gritted jaw, I looked over to my tormentor and bowed my head slightly.

“Of course.”

 

"Great." Marcus clasped his hand in front of him, looking patronizingly at the people surrounding the huge, round table but all I could concentrate was the not-so-quiet huff leaving _his_ chest before he got up from his seat, walking past me so close that I just had to move one finger forward to touch his black uniform. Balling them into fists, I refrained but inhaled deeply, his familiar aftershave easing the anxiety tightly stuck in my chest for the first time in over a week. 

Eric was busying himself at the buffet that was lined up against one wall in case one of the leaders would get hungry or if the meeting should run longer than excepted. I had just gotten a glimpse of his face but it was enough to see that the bags under his eyes were more prominent than usual meaning he was either tired or hungover and knowing that the first weekend of initiation was always widely celebrated, I guessed it was the latter.

Dauntless parties were always the wildest and I asked myself if he found someone to take home – not that it was any of my business any longer, I just wondered if...

 

Lost in thought, the bowl shattering against the tiles had me flinch and I whirled around to stare at Eric who looked at the glass shards with disdain before his glinting eyes flitted from the mess to me and back. A clear demand I couldn’t ignore.

Swallowing down my dismay for being treated like stuff I made my way over to him and crouched down to pick up the shards of glass. Eric remained standing beside me, his huge form towering over me, watching, observing.

Groveling to his feet had never been something I would have willingly done but here I was, in the middle of a situation I could have never even dreamed of, my new life.

By straightening up as soon as I had the glass in my hand I tried to keep what little was left of my dignity. Not that it felt as if I had any left but I had learned from early on that it was better to fake it than to admit weakness.

Raising my head to meet his gaze, I wasn’t surprised that his was already resting on me, scrutinizing me from head to toe, not bothering to hide the disgust at what they called dress, making me all fidgety.

 

"Don´t look at me like that," I muttered, no longer able to keep eye contact. "I would say I know how I look but I haven't even seen a mirror in over a week, less been allowed to use it."

 

“Clearly.” Was all he answered, voice curt but I thought to detect a hint of malicious glee at my misery as if he wanted to say ‘I told you so’. Narrowing my eyes at him, my fists instantly tightened but a sharp prick had me open them again with the hiss, having forgotten all about the glass.

 

"Well, it´s not like you look any better," I remarked dryly, wiping away at the small cut in my hand that was oozing blood, the glass shards discarded into the trash can to my right. "Long night, huh?"

 

Even though I tried to sound uninterested the small, humorless huff leaving his chest told me I had failed. But instead of poking fun at me, like he usually would he just grabbed a sandwich and stared at it before scrunching up his face in disgust, throwing it back on the platter.

“You know how we Dauntless are. No need to sleep when there´s booze… or someone who´s willing to warm your bed."

 

While he didn’t even spare me a glance, I stared at with raised eyebrows, incredulous of his audacity. I knew it was his way to cope… but rubbing it into my face that he hadn’t even bothered to wait _one week_ until he took the nearest skank into his bed – it hurt.

Shaking my head at him, the chuckle leaving my mouth was bitter, rivaling the jealousy bubbling in my chest.

“God… you´re such an asshole.”

 

This got his attention. Whipping his head towards me, Eric´s eyes narrowed into slips and he took a threatening step forward, his next words equally chilling and riling me up, something only he ever managed.

“What was that, _stiff_?”

 

“Go fuck yourself,” Cocking my head, I plastered a sarcastic smile on my face to hide the burning in the back of my throat. The vein on his neck started pulsing dangerously as I added a sarcastic “Sir”.

 

With one big step, he was right in front of me, his fingers digging into the flesh of my arm, no doubt leaving bruises as he stared down at me with fire-blazing eyes into my defiant ones. Riling Eric up had always been a favorite past time of mine but I knew when his cold eyes started to light up like a flame, or more likely an inferno, you had gone too far.

Just where I wanted him after he refused to even look at me.

 

“Watch yourself, Casey.” He hissed, his voice venomous, his grip like a vice tightening further. “Or I will do it for you.”

 

Before I could respond, a throat clearing beside us had me rushing back but Eric was unfazed as always, our close proximity posing no obvious problem as he turned to face Marcus, lazily raising one eyebrow.

 

“Is there a problem here?”

 

"No, Sir." Averting my eyes to the floor I quickly yanked my arm out of Eric´s grasp, which he allowed, too busy studying my sudden change in behavior.

 

“Except –“ Eric started and my head whipped towards him in panic, the sinking feeling in my guts growing as I met his once again emotionless eyes, sure that whatever he would say would cause my certain doom, a misstep this big nothing Marcus would overlook. When he noticed the pleading expression on my face, he didn’t show just turned towards Marcus, voice cold as he went on. “She won´t be able to pick up all the glass shards without a dustpan and brush. You should tell her where she gets these things because I don´t give a shit.”

 

While speaking the first part, his gaze flitted from Marcus to me and back but to show that he really didn’t care, he started to walk away, mumbling over his shoulder while I stayed put, following him with my eyes as he took his seat right beside Max who, which I now realized, had been watching us the whole time.

 

“Third door to the right. Hurry up, we need someone who takes notes.” Was all Marcus said before he too made his way towards the large table. Turning around, I scrunched my face up, the obedience I had to display profoundly repugnant but like the good little stiff I had to be now, I did just as he said.

Taking a second to just breathe before I had to enter the conference room again, I wondered what wrong I had done to deserve not only Eric´s hate but also Marcus´ hovering over my every move like a hawk ready to strike. 

 

After everything was clean, I took a seat a little away from the table, notebook in hand keeping the minutes, scribbling down every word of unnecessary banter coming from their mouth. But whatever topics were being discussed bypassed me because Eric did not once look in my direction. Not even when they closed up and the Dauntless had to walk by me to get to the door, his eyes not straying once.

That´s when I knew it… I had lost him.

* * *

 

In Marcus Eaton´s house was a door that was always locked. It was grey, almost dull just like every other one in this faction, not letting on that there could be something hidden behind it that could change the fate of our whole city. This totally unassuming piece of wood could possibly be the gates of hell, to my own, personal hell.

It was the door of Marcus Eaton´s study.

 

That night, after my disastrous run-in with Eric, I decided to not give a fuck anymore. Marcus was gone, out to eat at some council members house, the bland one-course meal no doubt prepared by another perfect little housewife. There seemed to be too much of them here.

Knowing this was my chance, Marcus gone for the night without the threat of him suddenly arriving like he usually did throughout the day, most likely to check up on me.

But not tonight.

 

Tonight Marcus would spend wholly at Alice Brewster´s house, not coming back before eleven pm which he told me with a stern face when he ordered me to cut up fruit for him to take as a present. After all, he had a reputation to uphold.

And that meant I had to stay home.

 

It didn’t bother me in the slightest to spend one of my nights away from him, finally able to relax a little in a house where I had to tiptoe around but preparing stuff for a party I wasn’t invited to? That sucked.

Ultimately, I decided to get rid of Marcus was worth to spend half an hour arranging wrinkly apple slices, my mood only getting better the closer his departure came.

And the best thing about it wasn’t my temporary freedom. After grabbing a folder from his desk, Marcus had to hurry to not arrive late and make a bad impression – and forgot to lock the door in the process.

 

After he was gone and I made my way to my room, quietly humming to myself as I conquered the steps, only sparing the damn door a glance until I realized it was ajar. Immediately my heart rate spiked and I looked around widely, almost anticipating that Marcus came back solely to lock the door. But he didn’t.

Standing there with a pounding heart, I contemplated what to do even though there was no doubt what I must do. Frozen on my spot, I listened closely, suddenly more than paranoid, highly aware of my surroundings. But after several minutes of utter silence, I realized that this wasn't a trap – it was the possibility I hadn’t dared to dream of.

 

Hurrying into my room to retrieve the little notebook Marcus gave me, I hesitated in front of the door, just for a split second imagining what may lie behind it, my fantasy wreaking havoc. Pushing open the door with one burst of confidence, I expected rows upon rows of shelves, all full of binders containing every secret one should know about abnegation, maybe even a few pictures hanging on the wall – but nothing. Just an old, sturdy desk with a few binders and a chair.

Everything you would expect from abnegations leader.

Good for him, bad for me.

 

Stepping into the room, I stopped in front of the desk picking up one of the folders, carefully remembering just how they had sat there. Skimming through it, I realized it contained information of current members, a few of the pictures familiar. Since it wasn’t what I was searching for, I grabbed the next one and interestedly thumbed through the pages. It contained the people who deflected in the last five years, judging by the dates of birth. I just wanted to put it down when I stumbled over the information of someone I knew.

Mouth hanging open, I stared at Four´s profile not believing what I was seeing.

Sure, I knew he was from Abnegation… but that he was Marcus´ son?!

 

 Still outraged, I clasped a hand over my mouth, the gnarly eighteen-year-old with the pained eyes such a far cry from the warrior I came to know, even just by passing him in the pit. But now I realized he had always looked as if the weight of the whole world rested on his shoulders and living with Marcus, his every demand and constantly worsening mood, I developed a new found understanding for him.

Maybe Eric wasn’t as right about him as he thought to be…

Shaking my head, I tried clearing my thoughts from everything unimportant to my mission because if I failed, there might not be a faction system to come home to after all. Gulping heavily, the image of dauntless raiding the streets, pushing Abnegation members to the ground, I alongside them, had a shiver racking my spine and I hurriedly grabbed the next folder, all breath leaving my body as I realized it was what I´ve been searching for.

Numbers.

So many numbers.

 

Whipping my notebook out, I started copying them to the T, making sure I got them all right to avoid unnecessary conflict. I wrote down over five pages filled with stocktaking from food to bales of cloth, cement to give the factionless workers to repair the streets, to the amount of wood we stocked to make furniture, all the while hearing Jeanine Matthew´s cold voice speaking into my ear as if she was right behind me.

 

"You see, dear Casey," Jeanine started, trying to fool me with her inviting expression that was just supposed to hide the real threats she spoke as she sat there on the couch with perfect composure, hands folded in her lap. As if she wasn't talking about destroying our whole system. "the abnegation aren't as selfless as they want us to believe. No, not at all." Ruefully she shook her head. "Not only do they hoard supplies that are vital for the thriving of our city, they also try to undermine our authority, claiming they are the most suited faction to run our government just because they are not corrupt. But they are, _oh_ they are.”

 

“That might be…” I relented a little confused as to why she was telling me this. Everyone knew erudite hated abnegation and that the loathing was mutual, not even her accusations were new to me I just didn’t understand why she told me that. “but what has that to do with me? I´m neither erudite, nor abnegation so, no disrespect, ma’am, but… it has nothing to do with me.” Speaking carefully to not offend her, I cast a quick glance at Max who sat there emotionless, just seizing me up.

 

"That´s where you are wrong, Casey," Jeanine exclaimed, the maniac expression slowly starting to frighten me. "We are all affected by this, we will all be involved, you maybe more than others but nonetheless. Because hoarding vital supplies and therefore withholding them from others that need them most is an act of war Casey. And war there will be if you don´t help us to diffuse the situation.

That´s why you will help us, functioning as our eyes and ears. You, Casey, are the key to everything."

 

Shivering, I remembered everything. How her icy eyes burned into mine with malicious intent, promising agony if I didn’t follow her orders.

 

 

Or how her eyebrows had shut up when I decided to be brave, stand up for myself and dared to interrupt her, telling her in kinder words that she was bat-shit crazy and that there was no way I would get out of this as a grey. Or how Max in not so subtle words told me that if I went against their orders, I wouldn’t even make it back into the compound, his eyes burning into mine, promising that he would keep his words.

For the way to our compound is dark and full of terrors.

 

Closing my eyes for a moment, I tried to chase these haunting images away, realizing that I was done writing down numbers. Thumbing through the last folder, just to make sure I didn’t miss anything, I came across my own initiation class, greedily burning the information into my mind.

I found out that Susan, the traitor had a brother – a twin to be exact – who deflected. Maybe he couldn’t stand her traitorous ways?

Chuckling over my bad joke, I went on.

It seemed that Jacob´s mother died when he was a little child, leaving him with an older sister that was still here and a father that had to raise them on his own.

Benjamin, the Amity transfer had _five_ siblings, while Jael´s father had been made factionless after he committed a crime that wasn’t listed in here.

The rest of them were fairly normal, no more juicy details and I decided to not try my luck any further, stacking the folders in the right order.

The one about us initiates at the bottom, then the stokeholds followed by the ones who deflected and lastly the current members.

 

Making sure everything was in their place, I grabbed notepad and pencil, closing the door behind me as I left the room. My mind reeling with thoughts, I let myself fall onto the bed, suddenly not able to stop wondering if this was Four´s old room he had counted the days until he could leave, just like I did.

If he laid in this bed, weary of the powerful man he shared the house with, as he stared at the ceiling wishing to be anywhere but here.

If he had things that were considered luxury somewhere hidden in this room, in a hiding place…

 

Bolting upright, my eyes flew wide open and I scampered from the bed, knowing I had to be right. No teenage boy would live like this – not at least without somewhere to hide things like chocolate or… porn magazines. Scrunching up my face, I imagined the woman Four must have found attractive. Maybe abnegation had a special edition of the calendar they made with dauntless woman – just in stiff style.

Maybe the women on their showed their ankles – how scandalous!

 

Cackling to myself, I couldn’t decide if Four jacking off to feet was disgusting or funny as I made my way through the room, careful of the sound changing when I knocked on the walls. Luckily, I thought of an appropriate hiding place before Marcus came back, the knocking surely would have told him that I was up to something. I didn’t find anything behind the walls but as I stepped up to the small window the change in sound of the floor creaking had me on my knees faster than ever and I crawled around, searching for a small indent or somewhere where the pattern of wood planks was disrupted.

And I found it.

 

Guiding my nail under it, I pulled the small slat out, revealing a hollow that was maybe 7 inches wide, 25 long and 10 deep – the perfect place to hide something where even the possession of books was a crime. Blowing the dust away, I realized that Tobias had forgotten something. Slowly reaching inside, I gripped the blue figure and pulled it out, revealing a beautiful glass sculpture formed like a dolphin rising from the waters.

Brushing the dust away, I traced ever line with my finger finding tranquility and inner calmness just knowing that there was someone who most likely felt the same emotions, sitting in the exact the same place I was now.

Knowing he had made it out, meant I could too.

It gave me hope.

 

Reluctantly, I put the stunning sculpture back into the confinements of its concrete grave trying to hide its beauty from the rest of the world – not unlike the whole faction here did it with its members.

But from now on, it wouldn’t be alone.

Folding the five pages I had managed to copy, I made a make-shift envelope to protect them from the dust before placing it inside and putting the plank back into its place.

 

When I laid in bed twenty minutes later, staring at the dark ceiling, waiting for Marcus to come home, my mind still reeled with all the intel it has gotten, Four being on the front of all my thoughts. Or maybe I should call him Tobias from now on, living in his childhood bedroom somehow made all of it way more intimate – way more than I would have liked.

Even though I agreed with Eric, I was now asking myself if he wasn’t right about everything. Four survived living like this for eighteen years while I was going crazy after one week and that earned him in some strange and twisted way my respect.

Closing my eyes, I realized that the only way I would get out of here was to enmesh myself deeper – but only so deep I could pull myself out of the time had come.

And I intended just that.

* * *

 

A few days after my successful mission I found myself alone in the kitchen – with Susan. We had both been selected to prepare food we´d hand out to the factionless later, some sort of curry consisting of whatever vegetable and little of meat we had, sliced and mixed together.

Though she had tried talking to me a few times since that night, I had always shut her down. Maybe I was too proud, too conceited, but who lost my trust and respect had lost it forever. With no exception.

 

Scrunching up my face in disgust, I continued turning the minced meat until the red turned brown, somehow being nauseous from the sight alone like I had been a lot of times over the last week. As if my body was rejecting the unfamiliar diet.

Paired with insomnia caused by a hauntingly quiet house and the seemingly endless tiring labor had my mood drop low. The mere thought of choking down another steamed piece of broccoli had my mouth water in the most disgusting way.

Pushing all these thoughts away, I almost managed to get my gag reflex under control. That was until a cloud of steam from the pan I was standing over hit me right in the face, the smell of grease and half-raw meat finally tipping me over the edge.

 

Not hesitating a second, I let the spatula fall and burst through the door towards the community bathroom, not paying Susan´s calls for me any mind as I fell to my knees and threw up into the toilet.

Though I hadn’t eaten much these last few days, it felt like I gagged forever, dry-heaves shaking my body painfully preventing me from doing anything against the hands laying themselves on my shoulder, heavenly cold hands brushing the hair out of my face that was coated in a small sheen of sweat.

The urge to rid my body of the undigested food only slowly subsided after several minutes and the moment I felt like I didn’t have anything left inside me, I slowly sank back on my calves, taking in a few deep breaths of air, eyes closed in agony.

 

“Casey, are you alright?” Came a soft voice from behind, Susan’s hands still resting on my shoulders. I shrugged them off.

 

“Leave me alone.” My voice was hoarse, throat sore from the acid leaving a putrid taste in my mouth. Leaning forward, I spit into the toilet to rid myself of it.

 

“Casey, _please_ …” Rolling my eyes weakly, I ignored her pleading and slowly got up, swaying slightly. Her hands were instantly on me with the intent of preventing me from falling but I moved away as if they were burning me, staggering over to the sink, fingers turning white from my grip on the stone.

 

“I´m fine!” I snapped, turning my head slightly to glare at her. “Go back into the kitchen. I´ll – I´ll be there shortly.”

Just the thought of food had my stomach roll again and I tightly closed my eyes, breathing through my nose.

 

“No.” This time Susan’s voice was strong, unapologetic. “You look like you pass out any minute. Just… just go outside for a few minutes until it gets better, okay?”

 

“Whatever.” Turning the tap, I held my hands under the cold water capturing it in my palms to wash my face. The coolness felt heavenly on my heated skin and I let out a sigh, already feeling a bit better. But since Susan had proposed that I stay away from the kitchen, I would take advantage of it.

Still feeling her stare on my back, I didn’t bother to turn around as I addressed her. “I won´t pass out, so you can go now.”

 

All I got in reply was an ‘alright’ before she closed the door behind her. Instantly dropping my façade, I let myself slump against the sink, hands shaky as I closed my eyes and tried to level my erratic heartbeat. It took me a few moments but when I finally felt like staying upright by myself, I redid my hair, several strands had come loose while I felt like my body was trying to rid itself from my stomach. I hadn’t felt this bad in a long time – not since I thought with fifteen it would be a good idea to break into my brother´s hidden liquor stash with my crush at the time. He was already seventeen, a good friend of Zeke´s, and one of the hottest guys I knew… well until Eric, who I didn’t want to think about, not after the disaster that was last Sunday´s meeting.

Instead, I focused on the memories that hurt less.

Gathering all my brother's hidden vodka bottles in one of his training bags, I met up with Greg in an abandoned part of the living quarters where we all went to smoke pot and drink. That night, we were alone, managed to both drink until I passed out and had the worst headache of my life.

It was also the night I lost my virginity.

Scrunching up my nose, I only remembered some awkward groping, a dull pain that was amplified by the friction and a heavy body slumping on me, almost crushing me in the process.

Maybe I was better off not remembering after all.

 

I crossed the bathroom with shaky legs, making my way out of the headquarters through a side door. Pushing open the door, the light breeze and warming sun rays made me feel a lot better after spending the whole day in the stale building that seemed to suck the happiness out of everyone.

Outside, with the birds chirping I felt like a whole another person, cynically asking myself why they couldn’t have made me go to amity… Everything was better than this bland existence they called life.

 

Sighing, I leaned back against the wall of the headquarters, glad that the nausea and dizziness had subsided. But now I had a bigger problem than my deteriorating health. Speaking with a soldier that was running patrols through the Abnegation sector, Max had delivered me a message – that if I had reliable information already I could hand them over later when we would give food to the factionless. The whole ordeal would be overseen by dauntless, their initiates, to my grief, and their instructors. The soldier would approach me and I would slip him whatever I already had in form of a note.

Exhaling deeply again, I got up, deciding that it would be better to get the notes now before I attracted Marcus attention, especially now that his mood seemed to get gradually worse with every passing day.

Max said he had everything planned out and that I shouldn’t worry my pretty little head too much.

A foolproof plan is what he called it.

 

I thought it was the plan of a fool.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The downside of reading so many fics is not remembering what really happened.. I know Four still had the glass sculpture & I just read that Marcus found it but here it´s still hidden… maybe he was able to put it back before Marcus destroyed it..?
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> Next chapter another run in with dauntless and an unpleasant outcome.
> 
> I´ll try to update ptp in the next few days! It´s been too long..
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> Thank you for reading & reviewing! :)


	5. Chapter 5

***Warning: This chapter may contain trigger***

****

_They told me once "There's a place where love conquers all"_ __  
A city with the streets full of milk and honey  
I haven't found it yet, but I'm still searching  
All I know is a hopeless place that flows with the blood of my kin  
Perhaps hopeless isn't a place

 _Nothing but a state of mind_ __  
They told me once "Don't trust the moon, she's always changing"  
The shores bend and break for her  
And she begs to be loved  
But nothing here is as it seems

_Nothing here is as it seems_

_Good mourning, Halsey_

 

Getting all the food into the factionless sector was complicated enough in itself, facing not only all my former friends but also my ex and the man whose room I occupied, the one who was present at the worst moment of my life, was pure torture.

Just to my luck, it was the turn of the dauntless initiates to watch over the abnegation handing out food, even the transfers were here. After a mere two weeks of training, I wouldn't hand them a knife and certainly no semi-automatic weapon. But knowing Eric, he´d gotten bored with their training program and decided to change it up a little. For a man who prided himself in thinking rationally, his temper was awfully active while making rash decisions. This was certainly one of them.

 

The man himself, of course, wasn't here, either too busy with paperwork or not interested in playing babysitter. But maybe he just stayed home to enjoy the company of one of the women he taunted me with. I knew I had left him and that it was my own fault but crawling into the bed of the next best dauntless not even seven days after he brought up _marriage_ … felt like someone turning the dagger in my chest, only pushing deeper.

For him I had stopped existing the night I send him away and like it seemed, my friends shared this sentiment.

 

Ever since I walked into the hall where the majority of the factionless lived, every time I handed out a package with food, I could feel their stares on me, drilling into my body, taking in my new appearance, judging me.

Macy hadn’t spared my one glance after recognizing me, instead turning away to walk over where my brother stood, getting up onto the tips of her toes to whisper something into his ear. Turning his head, Aiden´s gaze met mine with a coldness that managed to freeze the blood in my veins but instead of averting my eyes, I waited until he looked away, disgust written all over his expression.

 

Feeling my stomach fall, I refused to let my emotions shine through, using one of the first lections Marcus had taught me over dinner, that letting your own feeling hinder your ability to help others was utterly selfish. And if I wanted to prevail in my new faction, at least until I had accomplished what I came here for, I would have to play my part.

Pushing every feeling away, I walked right past the others, ignoring the lingering stare from a dark-haired transfer that rubbed me the wrong way. Arriving in the darkest corner, it wasn’t hard to make out the form of the soldier that I had met back in abnegation. He nodded as a greeting and came forwards, accepting the envelope with the numbers I had copied from Marcus´ folders that I pulled from my dress.

 

“Good job.” He told me quietly, giving me a tight smile before he left, unceremoniously pocketing the only thing I had accomplished so far before he disappeared between the other members. I watched him leave, sighing as I realized that I better get going. The last thing I wanted was another lecture from Marcus that would only make me feel worse about my current situation because there was nothing I could do to change it.

 

With the care package in hand, I searched my surroundings after someone I could give it to, my gaze falling on a familiar face. My lips curled up into a grin, I approached the girl who would fit right into the rows of the initiates, her tattered clothes replaced by my old uniform.

She saw me approach and gave me a small smirk, taking the food I handed her.

“You look almost as good in that as I did… Almost.”

 

“Uhh, a stiff with humor.” Wiggling her eyebrows at me, she pulled the piece of bread from the bag and took a large bite, chewing fast. It was obvious she was hungry but I refrained from letting shine through any of the pity I felt, sensing she was just like me, someone who detested showing any weakness.

 

“What can I say, I´m unique.” I joked, chuckling quietly which made her laugh too. All the while making sure I wouldn’t stand out. Furrowing my brows, I realized I didn’t even know what to call her. “What´s your name?”

 

She stopped chewing and threw me a wary look, almost as if she couldn't believe I would be interested. Knowing that I was raised in dauntless and how they treated factionless, I couldn't blame her for being suspicious. After contemplating carefully for a few moments, she finally spoke up. "Luna…. My name´s Luna."

 

“It´s nice to meet you, I´m Casey.”

 

“Likewise.” Giving me a tight smile, Luna waved her bag at me. "I have to get going… finding a warm, dry place to spend the night. Thanks for the food."

 

"You´re welcome," I answered, giving her a last smile before I went back to the basket, giving out care packages to more factionless. Most of them were nice, even telling me ‘thank you', something I had never encountered while wearing black. Obviously, there was more to being abnegation than I had realized.

 

I was just done giving food to an older man when I spotted the familiar form of Four patrolling the perimeter. He turned around and I inhaled sharply, the state his face was in deeply unsettling. His left eye was discolored, almost black from the force a fist had met his nose, scraps covering his lips and the space above his eyebrows. He looked like he had taken a good beating and I knew only one person that was able to inflict this much damage.

Turning my head towards the figure that appeared by my side, I questioned quietly.

“ _What the hell happened to him?_ ”

 

"You already know." Uriah heaved a sigh, folding his arms over his chest. "Eric saw the tape where Four asked you to come with him on the evening before choosing… the next day you deflected and he is hell-bent that he had a hand in it." Hesitating a moment, he added quietly. "Did he?"

 

“Of course not.” Shaking my head, I met Four´s inquisitive gaze and averted my eyes. “I had my reasons…”

 

“I guess so…” Uriah answered, giving me a small smile, bumping into my shoulder when I didn’t retaliate it. “You know, I´m sorry about what I said on the roof… about abnegation having no skills, that was stupid…”

 

This time I laughed, rolling my eyes at him. “By now you should know I´m not resentful. Don´t worry, you weren’t all wrong…” We were both quiet for a few moments until his name was called and we turned around, Macy calling him over with a scowl on her face, even Aiden was watching the two of us with narrowed eyes. Sighing Uriah, scrunched up his face.

 

"Guess I´ll have to go… I just wanted to say that you know how to rock the grey look, baggy and all that." He gave me a wink and a smirk while walking backward to my brother who refused to acknowledge me as a part of his family. Macy immediately started whispering furiously, pulling him further away from me.

I watched them with a sinking feeling, the last piece of friendliness I was surrounded with leaving with Uriah.

Sensing Marcus´ stare on me, I went back to work, taking one of the spare blankets to hand to a young mother and her child waiting for her turn but before I reached her someone stepped in front of me, blocking my way.

 

I stayed silent, waiting for the dauntless to step out of my way but he didn't move. Slowly trailing my eyes upwards, I meet the stare of the same transfer that had been staring at me before with that provocative expression on his face, his crooked nose broken at least once, brown hair falling onto his forehead. The obligatory weapon in hands he was looking down at me, cocking his head and I immediately knew he thought he was better than me, that I, just because I was wearing grey was less than dirt in his shoes.

I knew it because it was the same one Eric spared all the people he deemed to be beneath him. And I fucking hated it.

 

“Aren´t you the one from dauntless?” He asked, feigning ignorance. “Casey, right?”

 

"I am." Forcing a smile on my face, I meet his gaze head on. If he thought he could intimidate me with that thing in his hand, I was sure he had no idea how to handle, he was wrong. And if he came to mess with me he´d chosen the wrong one. "What can I help you with?"

 

“I was just curious…” The smile on his face was acid. “How does it feel?” When furrowed my brows, he specified his question. “I mean deflecting from dauntless must have been hard. From what I heard most will never speak to their families again, they´re considered traitors…”

 

“Faction before Blood, isn’t it?” I answered, refusing to show him he had just managed to hit the sore spot. First survival rule in dauntless you´ll ever learn: never show weakness. Second one: play them. “But aren’t you a transfer, too? You should know what it means. Now, if that´s all I have things to do –”

I went to take a step past him but he cut me off again. Glaring up at him, the smile tugging up his lips contradicted the expression in his eyes.

This one, I realized, was the kind that would do everything to strive in dauntless without honoring our values. A perfect fit for Max´s new regime.

 

“Not at all.” Sighing, he took a step closer, getting into my personal space. “I also heard you were living with Marcus Eaton… as well as rumors about you and Eric… seems you have an affinity for leaders. So my question, you only let leaders take a look beneath that rug?”

 

His audacity had me exhale heavily and I stared at him for a moment before a too sweet smile took over my face and I stepped forward, my face only inches away from his chest. Looking up into his deep brown eyes, I let the desire of manslaughter shine through, my voice like honey. “Get out of my _fucking_ way.”

 

“What if I don’t?” He asked, making the mistake of stepping forward instead of slowly backing away with his tails between his legs, even swatting the blanket from my hands. With a gritted jaw, I looked from the cloth of fabric on the floor back towards him, my mind made up. Dauntless number three: Never pick a fight with someone that will crush you.

“What if I´d like to see what stiffs wear beneath those bags? I heard –”

 

Sadly, I´d never find out what exactly he heard about grey´s because in the next second I had ripped the rifle from his hands and brought the heel up, sending it right into his nose that cracked with a satisfying sound, immediately starting to gush rivers of blood before sending him to the floor with one placed kick to his knees.

While the foolish transfer cried out in pain, I dissembled the weapon with skilled hands, letting the parts fall onto the floor beside him.

Bending done until my face was right above his and he stared at me through teary eyes, I gave him another award-winning smile and a reminder he should take to heart if he wanted to survive in the compound.

“Never challenge someone you don´t stand a chance against, idiot.”

 

Straightening up, I smirked, satisfied that I had taught him a lesson he wouldn’t forget but the smile slowly vanished from my face as I found everyone staring at me in various stages of shock. My fellow initiates were staring at me as if I was the devil incarnate, my stomach falling with every disapproving gaze one of the members in grey send my way while the dauntless understood my reasoning. At least most.

Slowly shaking his head at me, my brother left the room followed by the one I had once called my best friends. Only Uriah, Lynn and surprisingly Luna had to suppress their smiles while some of his fellow transfers wore satisfying expressions that only fueled my former assumptions: he was an asshole.

 

Slowly turning my head, I met Four´s deep blue eyes, his expression saying more than a thousand words. _What the hell were you thinking?_

 _Well, I wasn´t…_ Widening my eyes, my nonverbal answer had him shake his head but the slightly disappointed expression was suddenly replaced by hardness as he stared past me, his blue eyes cold. I had no chance to turn my head and see what had elicited the change in him before I was grabbed by my upper arm and roughly pulled away, fingernails biting into my skin. Startled, I couldn’t stop the small gasp from leaving my mouth while violently being lead out of the hall by Marcus who was staring straight ahead with his jaw clenched, the jugular on his neck throbbing furiously. Looking back, the last thing I saw was Four who had taken a step forward, staring after the two of us with an expression akin to panic, fists clenched at his side.

 

Knowing that this was his father and he knew him best, as well as never having seen Four wear an expression like that, I knew I had fucked up. Badly.

 

“Marcus, I –”

 

“QUIET!” He bellowed, giving me a glare that had the blood in my veins freeze. “That was strike three.”

 

* * *

 

The door met the wall with a bang as I was thrown into my room, the ribs of my upper right side colliding with the wooden frame of the bed in an explosion of pain, the force taking my breath away. I had taken enough blows in my life to know he had just cracked one.

Rolling myself away, I landed on the arm Marcus hadn´t let go once, suppressing the blood flow with his viselike grip, harshly panting for air. I hoped he would have taken enough satisfaction, hurting me like this but when I looked up at him through blurry eyes all I found was unadulterated rage staring back at me.

“I´m sorry, Marcus. I –” I attempted to address the issue somewhat calmly but he was long gone.

 

“Shut up!” He screamed, his face turning red. While I recoiled, hitting my head against the frame behind me, Marcus was frozen in the middle of the room with his fists balled and eyes closed, struggling to retain his composure. My hands started shaking.

 

“Do you know what you just did? Out there?” Marcus ground out through gritted teeth, his face turning red in rage as he pointed with his arm towards the window. Shaking my head, because for the first time in my life I was too terrified to speak out loud, I pressed myself tighter against the wooden frame when he took a step closer.

Pacing the room, Marcus pulled on his hair like I had seen it Four doing a thousand times but the two men, I realized, were as different as night and day but all I could do is watch him talking himself further into his rage.

“You compromised not only yourself with your foolishly violent behavior, you made me look like a fool in front of these savages! They already think bad enough of my faction as it is but as soon as they hear about your infraction, the infraction of the girl I have selflessly taken into my own home, my four walls, to teach how to act as one of us they will think of me as nothing but a good-for-nothing blighter that is unable to lead a faction, nevertheless the government of our city!”

 

The maniacal glint in his eyes made the ball of anxiety in my stomach curl even tighter, making it harder it to breathe than it already was after the hit I took. Maybe I should have interrupted him, tried to calm him down instead of cowering away from him but the paralyzing fear inside my brain made it impossible to form a coherent thought that had nothing to do with the urge to flee the room, the house and maybe even the faction itself. Marcus continued his tirade as if I was invisible. Oh, how I wished I was…

 

“You made me look like an incompetent idiot in front of my good-for-nothing son that abandoned me the first chance he got, you ridiculed me in the worst way possible! He is the reason those rumors started, the reason why Matthews thinks she can take over everything I worked for my whole life!

I came here with nothing and I made this faction what it is: the real government of our city, not just one that is controlled by the likes of those blue snobs or black boneheads. Me, it was all ME!”

 

Suddenly he started laughing, a short, breathless, insane laugh that made me realize what he really was: a megalomaniac who had been trusted to lead our government.

Marcus Eaton was insane through and through.

I had to get out of here before he killed me.

“Yes… I´m the one who made Abnegation what it is today. Not Brewster, the old bitch, not Prior with his self-righteous wife and traitor children, it was all _me_!”

 

Using the moment, he was farthest away with his pacing, I scrambled off the floor and made a jump to the door. “No, you don´t!”

 

My hand touched the doorknob when I was grabbed from behind and with immense force thrown through the room, landing with my back on the mattress but continued rolling until my sore shoulder and my head hit the wall.

Dazed, I tried to roll myself away while the whole room was blurring but was pulled back by my ankle. Feeling him strip the shoes from my feet, I kicked back but Marcus was too strong, pinning them to the bed while he started bunching my dress up.

The adrenalin flooding my veins had me fighting back despite my spinning head, there was no way I would let him defile me in such a vile way, not while I was still conscious.

 

I managed to plant my foot in his abdomen and shove him away from me, I even managed to get off the bed but Marcus once again pulled me back, using the fact that I was standing to rip the dress over my head. Instead of pulling it down my arms too, he twisted it in front of my body and threw me back onto the bed, my face landing in the flat pillow.

Lying on my bound hands I had no leverage to get away and Marcus used this, keeping me pinned to the bed with his knee in my back.

 

“People like you,” Marcus grunted, panting harshly. “or my _son_ , you're just so _ungrateful!_ After all that I´ve done for you, this is how you repay me? With shame and humiliation, just like he did… or his mother, the dumb cunt! Coming into my house, into my bed just to tell me what I couldn’t do!

There was only ever one way to put people like you in your place."

 

Hearing his belt buckle, I helplessly sobbed into my pillow knowing there was nothing preventing him from exposing me completely, to use me any way he wanted. We were alone and no one would hear me screaming…

Dauntless never give up, but I wasn’t dauntless anymore… was I?

 

But instead of pulling down my underwear, he pulled my whole body down until I was kneeling on the floor, my torso on top of the bed, keeping me there with a hand between my shoulder blades.

 

“Yes, there was only ever one way…” He muttered, suddenly awfully calm. It had my heart race in my chest. “Just remember: This is for your own good.”

 

I heard the whipping of the belt a second before the impact and the pain to register in my brain took even longer but when it did, I couldn’t help but scream out in sheer agony, having never felt pain like this in all my life.

But Marcus didn’t leave it with one hit.

 

Over and over again the leather met the until now flawless skin on my back, splitting the uppermost layer until I felt liquid running down my sides that were violently heaving, trying to breathe through the pain that paralyzed my whole body. I thought the pain couldn't get worse but once again he proved me wrong as he shifted the belt after an especially vicious hit and suddenly it wasn't just leather anymore but metal that had me seeing stars, so severe was the agony that I was on the verge of passing out. I wished I did.

I couldn’t contain the ear shattering scream that had him strikes out an extra two times just to prove a point.

The noise of metal hitting wood as the belt hit the floor was almost lost to my ringing ears, all I could think about was the anguish consuming me whole.

 

“Clean yourself up. Stupid bitch…” Marcus spat before his footsteps leaving the room were heard, followed by the door being closed shut. Not able to move, I could just pull my arms from the dress and slide down to the floor in some state of shock that was numbing my brain. The pain was still there, was still all-consuming but my brain must have hit the preserve button, leading me into a corner of my mind where the reality was far away, my eyes unfocused staring at the grey wall that hid my suffering from all the prying eyes.

If just Eric was here… he´d know what to do…

 

Images of the two of us flitted through my mind like a movie on repeat and I let them pull me away, distract me from the harsh reality that my life had become.

I stayed curled up for a long time, the kisses from the belt on my skin spilling blood that was slowly running down my body was almost not felt over the searing pain the metal buckle had caused, leaving a deep incision in my flesh. Staring at the grey wall, all I saw was Marcus enraged and Four´s frightened face. Did his father do this to him too? For over eighteen years…?

He never told anyone, he was brave and stubborn and survived, lived through this hell on earth. I wasn't sure if I could do that, could survive another whipping like this. If I wouldn't get out of this house after initiation, I was done for.

This would be my undoing.

* * *

 

The bench we girls all were perched on was uncomfortable and hard against my still tender skin. Head angled down in respect the other initiates and I were all waiting for one of the elders to get up onto the small stage in the middle of the room that was specifically for this occasion, the reading of the manifesto to mark the end of our initiation.

 

The last two weeks have been hell for me. After spending the whole night on the cold floor, I had been able to drag myself into the shower, the warm water burning like acid on my skin. Opening the cabinet, I had realized for the first time what the disinfection agent was for and had used my left arm, the one I could still raise to pour it down my back, stifling my screams with a towel.

Of course, I wasn't excused from my duties, it would have raised too many questions but Marcus had me do paperwork and other stuff I could do while sitting down. I knew for a fact he did not do it out of nicety but to save his own ass.

It would have been my duty to report it, to make sure Marcus would serve his lifetime in the factionless area but the duty towards my old faction was so much more important. Because my sense of righteousness had me stay silent… as well as my own shame.

 

All my life, I had been trained to defend myself, to inflict the person that wanted to harm me unimaginable pain, it would have been my whole life if I had stayed in dauntless. But I failed miserably, shamefully.

I was a coward.

 

It had been so easy, breaking the transfers nose even though he was at least double my weight and physically in his prime. So why couldn't I handle an old man that was out of breath arriving on top of the stairs?

No, if this ever became public the future I hoped for at dauntless would be gone forever. There was a reason Four never spoke of it. Because he knew what the members would have whispered behind his back. He wouldn’t be the prodigy, he´d be just a weak little boy.

He just knew…

 

People like Eric and my brother would have made fun of him, they already did. And I… I would have seen nothing wrong with it. After all Eric´s opinion had been my religion, I would have defended it with claw and tooth until I felt they had suffered enough for their blasphemies. But now, I knew that Eric had been wrong, that I had been wrong and I wanted nothing more than to tell Four how sorry I was. Even if he didn’t care, it was important to me. Maybe I would find a way…

 

A movement in the middle of the room pulled me from my thoughts and I looked up to see one of the oldest members, an eighty-year-old man I had done the laundry for last week, scrubbing until the scab split open again, discoloring the nth pair of cotton bandages, step up onto the stage, helped by another member. Taking a seat on the chair that had been placed there for him, he was handed the paper that held the manifesto, squinting his eyes to recognize the letters that must have been blurring with the way his hand shook.

Having the oldest, and most certainly slowest, person of whole Abnegation reciting the words was somewhat fitting, the prospect of our whole life welcoming us with his brittle voice, like nails on a chalkboard.

 

Another figure stepped up towards him and I immediately averted my eyes, just getting a glimpse at Marcus´ patronizing smile as he gazed down towards his people, hands folded in front of his pouch. Living with him has been an ongoing nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. Not being able to relax because I walked around the house on tiptoes, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Marcus to lose it like he did that day, kept me in a constant state of anxiety. I wasn’t able to sleep properly knowing he was just down the hall, that there was nothing that would stop him from coming into my room and take it even further than last time. I also couldn’t eat and what little I managed to get down made a reappearance whenever the distant sound of leather splitting flesh rose in my ears.

Until a few days ago, I was successful in hiding it but Natalie found me in the bathroom and the caring woman she was, ordered me to go to the doctor. Letting him take an extensive blood sample while refusing to undress me with the excuse of being not comfortable being close to naked around men, he found that nothing was wrong with me.

Except for one thing…

 

“We are all gathered here today,” Marcus spoke up, immediately drawing the attention of everyone inside the room onto him with his charismatic voice that was pleasant to all of them, except me. I had seen the monster in him that could never be unseen again. "to celebrate the end of initiation, to welcome our initiates as members of our society. So that we shall thrive and prosper under their fresh, watchful gazes. That their hands that have yet to contribute their part to our community shall not be idle, but always lending, helping. That our new members shall be the epitome of our values, of selflessness, of self-denial.

Welcome them as fully-functioning members of our society, of the part they have chosen four weeks ago.

Faction before Blood.”

 

“Faction before Blood.” Was echoed through the whole room, voices somber and thoughtful. I lacked behind but my lack of enthusiasm stayed unnoticed, after all, it fit right in. Stepping down, Marcus gestured towards the man to start reading, his gaze falling onto me like so often. He had to make sure I wasn't stepping out of line.

 

Clearing his throat, the elder started reciting with a weak voice, having to stop ever so often because a cough attack rattled him. Cynically, I thought to myself that if he wouldn’t hurry up he´d die up there.

 

 

"I will be my undoing If I become my obsession.

I will forget the ones I love If I do not serve them.

I will war with others If I refuse to see them.

Therefore, I choose to turn away from my reflection,

To rely not on myself

But on my brothers and sisters,

To project always outward

Until I disappear."

 

He finished, adding the non-obligatory "Only God remains", joined by about half of the faction. It wasn't lost on me that our leader joined in. Funny, I had never seen him as a man of faith.

 

The following part of the ceremony was the one I dreaded most. We had to stay where we are while the senior members all came to wash our feet, a symbol of hospitality and that we were all equal, that no one was too important to serve another.

I had hated feet with a passion for all my life and barely managed to touch my own. But let a stranger do it? Disgusting.

 

It ended up being a woman I only knew from passing, the wife of a council member if I was right, that knelt in front of my exposed feet with a wet towel and a dry one, methodically but throughout cleaning the limb while I was cringing, before getting up and giving me a comforting smile. I would never, ever do that.

 

The dark blue eyes watching my every movement had the underlying disgust vanish from my expression and I struggled to put on the emotionless mask I had developed over the last few weeks. No one should witness my shame, every weakness displayed could mean your ultimate demise, a target for whoever that wanted to hurt you.

I knew my someone.

 

When even the last one of the initiates had shiny clean feet, we put our stockings and shoes back on before we were lead to the large table in the next room that was already stocked with our common meal, nothing more than bland chicken and unseasoned potatoes. The lack of enthusiasm, even while anticipated, made the whole ordeal feel ordinary, nothing special. There was no laughter, no alcohol, of course, nothing that portrayed the significance of this day for all eight of us. Not even a piece of cake.

It made me feel even smaller, more insignificant than ever.

I could already feel myself disappearing, swept up by a sea of grey that swallowed me whole. It was like slowly drowning – and there was nothing I could do, except taking it with a smile.

 

I was seated to Marcus right, now that I was officially his personal assistant. He had gotten word from the other leaders that permitted his request without even speaking to me. They considered it an honor, a privilege to serve directly under their head leader and even though there was nothing I would have hated to do more, it earned me small jealous glares from the redhead whose name I had already forgotten again.

 

Susan and the other two would move into a house that already held two unmarried women, while the boys would all share one house until it was their time to court a woman, make her their wife and move into a house of their own.

I, on the other hand, would stay with Marcus, in Four´s old room because he needed his assistant close by. I had kept a brave face when he told me but that night, I cried into my pillow that muffled every sound.

 

Torn between the need to complete my mission as soon as possible and to be as far away from him as possible, I had decided to stay even though every fiber of my body screamed for me to leave, my back being the loudest one. I hadn’t made so many sacrifices to fail now. There was one person I had to protect at all costs.

 

The meal was a somber occasion and I stayed quiet most of the time despite that it should have been the time we spoke up as adults, as their equals. But with Marcus beside me, I didn’t take the risk. The only perk our celebration had that we were excused from doing the dishes and I used the opportunity to flee the table as soon as possible. Exhausted, all I wanted to do was get away.

 

The last sun rays were just disappearing behind the abandoned skyscrapers and I inhaled deeply, letting the chill evening air fill my lungs, lightening the weight that had settled in my stomach just for a little. I was thankful for all the peace I could get.

Especially knowing what was to come in the next few months.

 

Searching my pocket for the piece of paper hidden, my fingers tightened around the worn-out edges and I pulled it out, staring down at it like I had done for the last four days, a small sliver of hope growing in my heart just to be nipped in the bud by the despair I felt. My fingers gingerly touched the black and white image, circling around the small bubble in the center of it, where a piece of Eric was growing inside my body.

My reason to not abandon the mission, so that my child wouldn’t grow up in a city full of ashes and hate, nothing left for him or her when they grew up. No, I couldn’t do that to his child, to my child.

 

_I´m going to everything to make sure you will grow up not having to worry about shelter or food, little one. Even if it kills me in the end._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don´t know what to say… sorry? :D I already hinted that this story won´t be an overly happy one and it won´t get much better in the chapters to come… I also don´t know if the scene was overly graphic, just tell me if you liked it (the portrayal, not the deed itself) or not.. feedback is always good :)
> 
> I´ll stop rambling now & go to bed… I honestly don´t know what I´m writing anymore… :D
> 
> Thanks for being so patient! And to everyone who read & reviewed! :)


	6. Chapter 6

_‘You make me feel so weak._

_I bet you kiss your knuckles_

_Right before they touch my cheek.’_

**He did not hit me again** in the week following the ceremony, giving my back the time to heal over. Finally, the scab didn’t split open anymore, staining the bandages I carefully applied with blood but even though the pain lessened I felt not better. Not just because the nausea and the dizzy spells got worse but because I felt like a prisoner in a house I shouldn't even be in, to begin with. 

While the other girls had moved into a house of their own, sharing it with a girl from last year’s initiation I was hidden away in my bedroom whenever I didn’t have to perform various tasks that became sheer agony with the lack of sleep I suffered, wary of every creaking of the house and what it could mean for me. What terrors waited, hidden in the shadows just waiting to strike.

As a child, I had been terrified of the monsters in my closet, which I would have never admitted it, even back then. But just thinking about their grimaces and long bony fingers spiked with claws had my blood run cold and every trace of sleep vanishing. Of course, my parents noticed, how could they not when I was falling asleep over my porridge but nothing they tried worked. Nothing worked at all until Aiden sneaked into my room one night, pretended to fight the demons of while I had the blanket pulled up to my chin, torn between being terrified of him getting hurt and the urge to giggle when I saw my brother fight my hanger full of clothes with a wooden knife.

After he conquered my demons Aiden slipped under the covers and laid with me until I fell asleep with a smile on my face while he was boasting about his skills and how he´d someday become a leader, which really only was a matter of time.

Curled up beneath the thin grey blanket to protect my greatest treasure if he should come, I wished Aiden was here again, to fight off my demons because I just wasn't strong enough, not thinking clearly enough to admit to myself that Max had sent me on a suicide mission, to sacrifice myself for the good of the city, leaving me in the wake of a monster with no means to protect myself. Because monsters, I had learned, don´t hide in closets but in the people wandering among us while only the closest to them will ever see the full capacity of their depravity. And I had front-row seats to the freak show that was Marcus Eaton.

 

Studying the techniques of psychological warfare from an early age on because it had been one of my father´s favorite subjects, I knew what he was doing, startling me with noiseless approaches until he could leer over my shoulder when I was standing at the sink, the difference to his thundering footsteps landing on each step of the stairs while I lay in bed, anxiety all-consuming, was so distinct it couldn't have been anything but purposeful. In fact, Marcus Eaton never made an uncalculated movement which only made his loss of control on the dreaded night so much more terrifying looking back.

 

I also knew for a fact that he speculated on me messing up, wearing me down to leer at me, just waiting for a small mistake to slip through under his watchful eyes. As soon as it happened he would straighten himself up to his full height, his eyes holding that malicious glint I´ve learned to fear not only subconsciously but to the core of my being. Swallowing down my pride, I would avert my eyes to not egg him on further and wait in tense agony for him to make up his mind on an appropriate punishment.

For burning breakfast, he let me off with a lecture about not being so stupid to waste food and a disapproving stare that bordered on disappointment, which only managed to confuse me more. In his eyes, I was nothing more than a lowly girl from dauntless that had been stupid enough to walk right into his trap so what was there to disappoint?

Not much, obviously.

 

For spilling a glass of juice onto his shirt though, when he once again crept up and startled me, he grabbed me by the nape of my neck and dragged me into the bathroom, pushing me down to my knees when I struggled to escape his grip, terrified what he was up to now, my survival instinct seeping through.

But instead of getting another beating, he watched me with hawk-eyes scrub the whole floor on my knees that were bruised and red by the time I was done, just in time to accompany him to the meeting of the council where they talked stuff that, for me, made no sense at all.

Yes, the last few weeks have been anything but easy and that’s why I was so thankful for the short disruption to that routine the few trips to amity gave me.

 

Hoarded on the back of their pick-up trucks a selected group of abnegation, I included, were responsible for helping out with the apple harvest that started early this year after an especially mild winter. I knew, my selection had urged Marcus to no end but since most of the faction was divided into different groups that alternated between Amity, the factionless sector and helping out at abnegation itself, only the council members staying back to muse about government stuff that was so boring it would kill me someday – if Marcus didn't beat it to the punch. Pun only half-intended.

 

Letting out a quiet sigh, I wished I could release my hair from my bun and feel the wind rake through it, finally getting a slight feeling of freedom back as I watched the trees passing by, the long green grass swaying slightly in the light breeze. I wondered, how many animals were hiding behind it, imagined how peaceful it must be: A doe and her fawn, a family of rabbits beneath the earth. Birds nesting in the trees quite a bit away, a mouse rushing through the undergrowth, searching for food to give to her newborns.

The image made me smile, careful, for the first time in weeks as I unsuspiciously placed a hand on my stomach where my child was growing.

This was what he or she deserved, wide fields to play and laugh freely in, a faction that functioned like a huge family. Looking at amity through Eric´s eyes I had only ever seen fools and idiots, living in sheds and singing at bonfires but when I had first jumped from the truck three days ago and taken the busy still friendly atmosphere in, I instantly knew that his sarcastic, or more cynical assessment had been wrong – or at least exaggerated.

To be honest, observing the members I could very well imagine that a lot of brilliant heads had deflected here just to elude our achievement-orientated society and for the first time in my life, I asked myself why I had let my sense of loyalty get the best of me and didn’t even think about coming here.   
What could be better than a little manual labor, fresh air and a lot of drugs?

Right now, I couldn’t imagine anything that sounded more heavenly.

 

Like the other days, once I had grabbed one of the baskets and eaten a small breakfast the amity provided for us in exchange for our labor, Benjamin and I made our way to the orchards, today it was the oranges that were being harvested. At first, when he had sat down beside me, excitedly chattering about his former faction and how happy he was to go back, I hadn’t been able to decide if he would be a welcome distraction or a gruesome pain in my ass. Turns out he somehow managed to be both.

 

“Come on, don´t take me for a fool!” I called down from the branch I was sitting on, feet swinging idly, a smile stretching up the corners of my mouth as I munched on a piece of orange, reveling on the explosion of sweetness I have craved so hard the last few weeks. “I really don´t believe that you have some kind of fertility rite where you paint on naked woman with _your fingers_!”

 

“Believe me, we do!” Benjamin exclaimed loudly, barely catching the orange I threw at him. His sleeves were folded up, revealing upper-arm muscles some of the members back at dauntless would have killed for. “It´s insanely hot but it also sucks because all those girls are already taken.” He scrunched up his nose, looking genuinely distraught which only made me laugh harder. It was as if the belt with weights had been removed as soon as we arrived here – making room for an indescribable feeling of joy.

 

“Shut up, you! And start picking oranges, we´re behind already!” A branch with several leaves I had thrown hit him right on the head and Benjamin turned to me with a mock-scowl on his face. I was almost one-hundred percent sure he had never glared at anyone, ever.

 

“You do realize that we wouldn’t be reprimanded even if we brought like… five apples a day?” When I raised my eyebrows, he nodded wisely. “The people here are like that: kind. Amity is basically one big family, it´s awesome.”

 

“Then why didn’t you stay here?” I blurted out before I could stop myself, instantly going to backtrack when the smile on his face fell. For the first time, I got to see something different than happy Benjamin. "I´m sorry, you don´t have to answer if you don´t want."

 

Shaking his head, his lips curled up into a sad smile. “All happiness in the world isn’t enough when the girl you love wants to marry your best friend. It was better to leave than to stay and watch them become a happy family.”

 

“You were a couple?” I asked carefully, his solemn nod answer enough.

 

“For three years.”

 

“That sucks.” Scrunching up my face, I fiddled with the orange in my hands.

 

“It was the same for you, was it not?” His question surprised me and it took me a moment of staring at him before I could answer.

 

“Not really… I was quite happy in my relationship, even though no one knew of it. But something about dauntless just wasn’t quite right for me.” I added hurriedly, lying through my teeth. If Max and Jeanine wouldn’t have plunged me into this hell hole, I´d be first in initiation… or not.

Suddenly, I realized that dauntless initiation with all its fights and drinking would have pure poison for my unborn child and now, I had no idea what to make of it. What would my mother say? Or Eric? What would he have done if he found out I was going through initiation pregnant?

Most likely, pulled me out because of special circumstances because I can´t believe for all that it´s worth that they would send a pregnant initiate to be factionless – nevertheless one with a leader baby.

Marriage would have been one way, not just because it was something like an unwritten law for every leader that strived for greatness.

Or maybe, some kind of accelerated course that was focused on the ideals of our faction more than on the physical aspects of it, replacing them with harmless activities. I truly didn’t know.

 

The bell chiming through the hot summer air alerted all pickers in the orchard rows that it was time for a break and I let myself glide from the branch, lessening the impact of my feet hitting the ground by landing on the ball of my foot. While I was lost in thought, Benjamin still chatting animatedly beside me we made our way to the dome where we would get lunch. I was so used to his voice being in the background that his sudden silence alerted me that something was wrong.

 

Benjamin had fallen back a few steps, his gaze trained on something, or rather someone several feet away and when I followed his gaze I knew why he had stopped. A petite girl with blonde, willowing hair was conversing someone who looked awfully like Benjamin himself. He obviously forgot to mention that the guy his girlfriend left him for wasn't just his best friend but his twin.

Free love, indeed.

 

As if they felt his stare both looked up at the same time, face turning alert while I turned to Benjamin whose expression was obvious: he wanted to be anywhere but here.

Especially when the two of them suddenly started walking towards him, a shaky smile spreading over her face while he looked cautious, trying to anchor her to him

If you took a closer look, it seemed as if his nose had been broken not too long ago and I asked myself if Benjamin really had it in him to punch his own brother. From his twin’s expression, slight defiance that reeked of fear, he did.

 

Taking a few steps closer, I wanted to hear what they were saying and to be able to quickly intervene if something should go wrong. Mostly though I was being nosy, something I had dearly missed being cooped up in a house all day with no company but myself.

Wringing her hands, the girl stepped closer, a guilty look on her face that she tried to cover with a shaky smile.

“Benjamin, how are you?”

 

Her voice spoke was candor but the sheer fact that Benjamin´s twin brother was looming behind her undid her pitiful attempts at polite conversation. Judging from his expression, Benjamin felt the same way.

 

“I´m fine, Abbey.” A curt reply spoked without much emotion with no inclination that he wanted to linger here, talking to either of them and I felt him, I really did. If this was Eric and the woman he decided to spend the night with like he had told me at that meeting a small eternity ago, neither of them would be as well off as those two were.

Even though I didn't take Benjamin for someone overly violent, the opposite really, I stayed alert. If it somehow came to a brawl between a new abnegation and an Amity member, the news would spread over the city like wildfire and Marcus would somehow find an argument why it had been my fault. Ready to intervene, I watched the girl recoil slightly, no doubt not used to this side of Benjamin.

 

“That´s great! Yeah… great.” Scrunching up her face, Abbey´s expression was caught between confusion and awkwardness but judging from the determination hushing over her face, she decided to grow a pair and spit out what had been bothering her. “Listen, we” She gestured to the boy behind her, “wanted to talk to you about what happened before the ceremony. We´re sorry about the way it happened but we just couldn’t help ourselves.”

When Benjamin started laughing somewhat bitter, Abbey threw a helpless glance over her shoulder towards his twin who just shrugged his shoulders. His expression was so entirely un-amity that I asked myself what Benjamin had done to him other than breaking his nose.

 

“Oh, you mean the fact that I found you in my twins bed right after we talked about our future together? Not a big deal.” Benjamin snorted, averting his eyes to the sky, teeth clenched. When he looked back at them there was no trace left of hurting feelings, only a blank stare. “Tommy here always had been envious of things belonging to me. I guess you were no different.”

 

Pure rage flashed over Tommy´s face as he pushed Abbey behind him and took a threatening step forward, snarling into his brother´s face.

“Watch it!”

 

When Benjamin made a move forward I decided it was time to intercept them because their dispute was starting to draw attention. And for only being a member of a few weeks this was in no way a good sign. Gathering my skirt in one hand, I narrowly avoided a puddle of mud the horse carriage had left behind in the moist soil.

 

“Benji! There you are!” I exclaimed loudly, hurrying over towards him. Benjamin wasn’t the only one my yelling had alerted, a few older members shot me reprimanding glances that I deliberately ignored, coming to face him with a fond smile. “The others are already waiting for us.” I linked my arm under his, pretending to only now see the other two standing in front of us. “Oh, who´s that?”

 

“My brother and his girlfriend.” If Benjamin was surprised by my sudden appearance he didn’t let it show, instead of turning to look at me, his eyebrow raised a fraction. 

 

“Well, it was nice meeting you but we have to get going.” Without looking at either of them, I tightened my grip on his arms and started to pull him away. Benjamin relented without any resistance much to my advantage. When we were a few feet away from them, I glanced up at him and raised my eyebrow.

“If he had punched you I´d have to kick his ass and we both know not even I can get away with beating up two guys in less than a month.”

 

It made him laugh but it was only meant to be half-humorous since every time I thought about that night I felt the impact of the belt on my back, the metal buckle cutting through flesh.

Those past days at amity had almost been healing, freeing really. Without his constant supervision, feeling him breathing down my neck, I almost felt normal again. As if the reality back at abnegation was just a bad dream I would wake up from soon, finding myself back in my own bed with my mother making pancakes every Sunday.

 

But I knew, of course I knew, that this peaceful break was just that – only temporary. So when we went back to harvesting from a lunch that consisted of sweet fruit and bread that hadn’t been infused with the peace serum, I let my hair fall free from the headache-inducing bun and climbed back onto a tree, alternating between throwing oranges at Benjamin to catch them and putting them into the bucket.

As the wind blew through the orchard I closed my eyes and reveled in the feeling of it waving through my open hair, a fresh breeze in the stale summer air.

This was what freedom felt like, concealed by colorful, flowing clothes, green scenery and the prejudices of others. Amity was so completely different from all that I had always imagined it to be.

It was beautiful.

It was tranquil.

 

A heaven in hiding.

* * *

 

An old saying from way before the great war says time is supposed to heal all wounds, but the only thing it ever does to manage is to make everything worse. When I had time back home, I liked to read about unnecessary health facts from before the war, when diseases couldn’t be healed by serums and minds that were poisoned by fear could not yet be trained through our simulations.

Dauntless was built on the argumentation that fear and any kind of angst were the enemy even though it had been proven erudite-like minds that the alertness and the ability to assess situations as well as remember them as being dangerous paired with the skill of adaptation were the main reason the human species survived – and thrived, over thousands of years.

So, what if fear became the enemy? Not like here in dauntless were you had to handle your biggest fears like a piece of cake while also simultaneously keeping them as your biggest secret to not give others leverage over you. But in the sense that suddenly everything, even the smallest task like getting out of bed was anxiety-inducing enough to get your heartbeat spiking, your breathing accelerating as if you just conquered a long flight of stairs.

I´ve read that it took over eight years to properly recognize and diagnose one of these panic disorders, even though it was easier to treat the earlier it was found, the less severe the case was, like with most causes really.

 

Another disease that was vital to detect early was cancer, the abnormal growth of one or more cells that had mutated, basically turning off the self-destruction mechanism that was responsible for the controlled destruction of a cell once it had reached its maximum count of cell divisions it could reach, the polymer ends at the DNA strands too short that it could be divided again. That apoptosis, how that controlled suicide of cells is called, forms not only our body´s from the moment on that we are conceived but by eliminating mutated ones it makes sure our body can function the way we need it to, to survive.

Mistakes in that process were proven to cause many diseases, the most prominent one being… well, cancer.

Sometimes just a benign cluster of cells that our immune system works hard to dissolve, most of the time undetected even by the person that was affected but sometimes so aggressive it spreads through the whole body in a few months, poisoning the organs by making them incapable of implementing their tasks that were all focused on one thing: keeping us alive.

 

Marcus was that cancer, invading even the deepest layers of my mind and from the moment I first set foot into his house, fear became essential for survival.

 

The weeks following the end of the harvest in amity were also the last ones in the three-month period of dauntless´ initiation, indicating that my time was running out faster than I could comprehend. Max had given me until initiation day until they would intervene for a much too high price.

Yes, living with Marcus was hell but the others I had met so far did not in the least deserve to die for their hunger of power, the greed to have the city in their own hands instead of letting Abnegation lead all-consuming.

I did my best to gather inside information about the faction: How many members there were, the stock of supplies and any discrepancies at inventory; the number of factionless that were being fed, as well as keeping an ear out for any kind of story that could discredit the leaders.

I knew that I, myself, had the most impactful story to tell but selfishly, I wouldn’t.

Not ever.

Because if I somehow managed to get back to dauntless, like Max had promised to me, the story would ruin not only my life but also the life of my unborn child. There was a reason no one knew anything about Four and his background. He knew too that if the depravity of his situation ever was portrayed in broad daylight, his reputation as the fearless dauntless prodigy would be gone forever.

 

Was it selfish to keep a scandal to myself that could kill half of the faction?

Definitely; more than I could ever comprehend.

Would that fact change my mind?

No.

 

Every time these thoughts grazed my consciousness, I started to feel guilty and it was this guilt that helped me to be braver, more determined, to save the lives of the abnegation – and that of my son. But pride always comes before the fall.

 

Marcus was gone for the day, busy with a prolonged meeting the Dauntless had called to discuss the possibilities of herding the factionless together into some sort of ghetto. I wasn't sure if the proposal was real or if Max just tried to give me an opportunity to break into Marcus´ office and get what I needed for him, but whatever it was, it had the desired effect. A politic outcry went through all of amity and abnegation, voices getting loud that they couldn't treat human beings like animals and lock them in an abandoned part of the city and like always, candor would have to mediate between them and erudite that were on the same side as dauntless, thinking of them as less than dirt on their feet.

 

The last few days had been hard on me. With the approaching end of the fourth month along in my pregnancy, that was slowly but surely starting to show, only concealed by the baggy clothes, the nausea had luckily subsided but it only made space for exhaustion that crept into my bones after long hours of demanding work. I had helped cleaning the house of an older member in the morning, rushed home to eat something and then scrubbed clothes the entire afternoon. Never had I missed a laundry machine more than in this moment, my hands chapped and nails almost non-existent. The pile of dirty clothes had been so tremendous that I was running out of time when the women finally let me go. The meeting was scheduled to last until six pm, the spartan clock in the kitchen showing that I only had an hour left to search through his stuff and get dinner ready.

 

Like every time, I stepped through the front door, I felt something deep inside me tense, my ears straining for any kind of sound that meant he was back early, working or just sitting on the uncomfortable sofa in the living room, skimming through the latest news. When everything stayed quiet, no creaking of furniture or insults thrown at me to get going, I exhaled and pulled off my cardigan, hanging it on the rack that was empty – another sign that Marcus was still gone. Still, I checked every room in the house and peered through the window before committing the most daunting task in my life – breaking into Marcus Eaton´s bedroom.

 

The door was at the end of the hallway, the farthest one from the staircase which provided him with privacy I could only dream of. The door was grey, like all of them, identical, and still it provoked a fear so deep inside me, I had to lay my hand over the dress covering my slightly protruding stomach to reassure myself that everything was alright. That this door wasn’t the portal to hell – even if the devil may live behind it.

 

My hand on the doorknob, I hesitated for a long moment, everything inside me screaming to don´t do it - but I had to. Holding my breath, I pushed down and forwards, the door opening with a creak that had all my hairs stand on end, waiting for something, anything to happen.

Everything was quiet.

Hauntingly quiet.

 

In Dauntless, I had never known such tense silence that threatened to suffocate you, just laughter, drunken rambling and grunting that could mean one of two things but never anything like this.

It took all my willpower to unfreeze my limbs, to get my feet to step over the threshold despite the nauseating fear raking through my stomach but I closed my eyes and challenged my inner defiance. Even after getting beaten like that, I refused to let some three months of living under the same roof as my tormentor change the innermost of my personality – my defiance.

 

Taking the room in, I almost laughed out loud at myself, a bitter, condescending laugh. How could a small chamber that was filled with only a spartan double bed and a single drawer adorned with a grey lamp awake such fear inside someone else?

It was ridiculous.

 

Knowing that no harm would come to me through the hands of the room itself, I got to work, checking beneath the bed for any sort of box but all I found were a few old newspaper clippings that documented Marcus raise to power and an old lock of brown hair I couldn’t make anything off. Keeping the drawers for last, I felt around the floor and even the walls to see if I could detect something akin to the hiding space in my room – but nothing.

No plank was out of place, the wall neatly without any pictures to hide something behind, not even one piece of paper – even if that would be enough to get me out of here.

When I pulled open the drawer, I asked myself if there even still was a place for me back home or if I forever would be the coward that choose to become a stiff. I was lost in thought as I pulled open the first drawer, no longer paying attention to my surroundings while checking beneath his clothes as fast and cleanly as possible.

But if you ever were in a life-threatening position you should know better than to get careless – those were situations people were harmed.

A rookie’s mistake.

 

The voice coming from the ajar door had me freeze on my knees, my heart stopping before starting again twice as fast.

 

“I knew, the moment I saw you wearing those _skimpy_ pants of yours that you´re just asking for it. And now, I find you in my room… Do you think that’s what a decent abnegation member would do?” Jerking violently, I slammed the drawer shut but not before I could pull my hand back jamming them. Turning around with my back pressed against the wood, I meet Marcus´ cold blue eyes, staring me down, judging me. If he hadn’t known before that I was up to no good, he knew now.  


“It´s not what it looks like!” I exclaimed, giving him a smile despite my treacherous heart that was pounding in my chest, stealing my breath. “I was just sorting through the laundry, there were a few items still in the basket.”

 

His unnerving stare, the sarcastically pulled up lips told me he didn’t believe one word. “Really? And where are they now?”

 

Still pressed towards the drawers, I slowly got off the floor but forced my body to relax, trying everything to appear innocent in front of the man that could be my undoing.

“I put them away for you.”

 

Fixing me with a hard stare, Marcus nodded before tilting his head, signaling to me that he was content with the explanation which was strangely unnerving because I had no idea what to do until he stepped to the side, clearing the way out for me. Relieved, I crossed the room with large steps and couldn’t wait to get out, away from him but when I was beside him, Marcus grabbed my arm, holding me in place. Freezing, I felt him lean closer until his mouth was beside my ear, his breath fanning over my skin.

 

“You know, the only thing I hate more than whores are liars.”

He paused, his next words making my breath hitch. “Do you really think I didn’t know you were inside my study? Do you really take me for such a fool?”

 

Letting go of my arm, Marcus let me stumble into the hallway but he wasn’t done yet, a sardonic smile playing over his lips while I slowly backed away, gaze glued to him. He knew, of course, he knew! 

No matter what I did, it always got back to Marcus in one way or another and he, being the manipulative bastard he is, chose to stay quiet instead of playing his hand. His head cocked, an innocent, wistful expression on his face, he came closer.

 

“Yesterday while you were gone whoring yourself out, I took the liberty to look through your room. You know, the one that actually belongs to me. And guess what I found?” He pulled a wrinkled piece of paper from his pocket, straightening it up to reveal a black background with a small grey circle inside it. My blood ran cold as I stared at it with big eyes, gaze flicking up to see him watching me intently, judging, condemning. But he wasn’t done ridiculing me yet, based on beliefs that were not my own.

“Who´s the father Casey?” He stepped closer, while I was frozen to the spot. “Is it the amity, that imbecile? Or was it that guy you sneaked out to meet?” Scrunching up his face in disgust, Marcus fixed his eyes on my stomach. “Do you even know who’s the bastards father?”

 

“It´s not like that!” I finally had enough, taking a step forward to meet his gaze with my scorching one. “And it´s not like it is any of your business –“

 

A hand on my throat pushing me back into the wall cut me off, the pressure just forceful enough to shut me up immediately, not harming – yet. Hauntingly blue eyes glared down at me, the heated spark no longer hidden by his careful composure.

“But it is my business, isn’t it?” Marcus asked almost softly before a grimace pulled on his lips. “What will they all say? A girl, unmarried, pregnant, living with the head of the government. I can´t let a pretty little cunt like yours tarnish my reputation. You understand, right?”

 

“What do you want from me?” My voice came out as a panicking as the pressure onto my throat increased. The shift in his mood was tangible, expression hardening until I came face to face with that version of the man, who claimed that the hits raining down on my back, marring once flawless skin was for my own good. The man that would do absolutely anything to uphold his reputation as the trusted leader of our government.

The hidden face of Marcus Eaton.

 

Staring me down, he loomed over me, faces almost touching.

 

“Tell me why you are really here.”

 

Breath hitching, I gave myself away before even realizing it, clamming up in response to the tightening around my throat. The slow swell of panic rising in my guts, I brought my hands up to grip his arm – to anchor myself or to relieve the pressure, I wasn´t sure. All I knew was, that I wouldn’t get out of this unscathed if my lies were not convincing enough.

But the fog in my brain made it impossible to think straight.

“I don´t know what you mea – ”

 

Moving fast, his grip tightened and he pulled me forward just to slam me back into the wall with a lot more force than before. My head hitting the wall was dizzying, his face blurring in front of me.

“Why were you in my study? _Tell me!_ ”

 

“I wasn´t – I didn´t…” With a snarl, his hand shot up and tangled inside my hair, forcefully dragging me after him through the hallway while the pain in my scalp and my state of disorientation made it impossible for me to get out of his grip to flee into my room. Not that it would have stopped him, but by now every move that could by me precious time was vital.

Stemming my feet into the floor, I fought tooth and nails, leaving deep claw marks in his hand – but Marcus stayed unfazed, unmoved like a mountain. He just whirled me around, hand closing back around my throat and suddenly the floor gave way under my heel, the torturous sensation of falling sending my body into a frenzy until suddenly I was still upright.

Head snapping up, I realized with horror that I was balancing on the highest step on the staircase, the only thing keeping me from falling was Marcus hand around my throat. Panic-fueled, I gripped his arm with vice-like strength and tried to pull myself closer to him, away from the abyss.

I just wasn’t strong enough.

 

Pushing me further back and away from him, Marcus balanced me on top of the stairs with only his hand around my neck, cutting off my air supply until I could only pant.  His voice was void of any emotion while I was fighting desperately, panicking to keep my balance. “You have one last chance…” He stated, the hard edge being replaced by something that was almost gleeful – Marcus had me where he wanted me and there was nothing I could do against it. “Remember… it´s not just your life anymore.”

 

Tears pooling in my eyes, I just for one second contemplated what would happen if I didn't answer if I stayed truthful to myself and loyal to my faction. But the life growing inside me was so much more than displaced pride and false righteousness, it was pure and unfiltered love. Nothing could ever measure up to the joy of knowing you carried the product of a union between two human beings, older as time.

There was no doubt left that I´d tell him.

I´d tell him everything and then I would go home.

To Eric.

Begging for his forgiveness and making sure Max would never abuse his power like that again. Eric would help me with that, I am sure.

My heart breaking, I surrender.

 

“Erudite…” I croaked out, a lone tear escaping as I clawed on the hand around my throat. “They want me to find… something.”

 

“What?” Marcus hissed, eyes narrowing, the intense stare getting even more hostile as he shook me, the threat of falling seizing my brain up, leaving me frozen. “ _What_ do they want?”

 

Gasping for air, I forced myself to speak those words out loud I had promised to take with me to the grave.

 

“Leverage… to denounce the gov…ermnent…” An image of the two most powerful people in this city, scheming deep under the earth with the full protection of Dauntless. Max´ piercing, Jeanine´s hungry stare resting on my form as they gave me the order to infiltrate Marcus´ life, to do everything humanly possible to dig up some dirt that would ruin his reputation forever. For them, it didn’t matter what I came up with or which dangers I would face, as long as I came back to tell the tale.

Or maybe… maybe they had just used me as a scapegoat – a casualty they could use to convince the leaders of Candor and Amity to strip Marcus from his position and Abnegation from its leadership.

A sob forced its way out of my throat as I realized truly and utterly alone, abandoned by the people I had trusted most. In the end, their plan would have worked either way: they would either have my report or my body because if this would have just been about me, my pride and sense of loyalty would have been enough to keep my quiet.

But it wasn’t just me – everything I would go through my child would suffer the same. And for the first time in my life, I chose my blood over my faction.

 

“Any-anything… to destroy you… Abnegation… The- they want to…take over the council.”

 

“Who?! Who want´s that?” Marcus face contorted as he hissed at me, his tightening hand suppressing the air flow into my lungs. Starting to feel light-headed, I went to pry his fingers from my neck but a small push backward that created the sensation of falling stopped me, slinging my hand around his arm in panic.

 

“Jea-Jeanine an-d Ma-aax…” I cried out as soon as his grip had loosened a little, heaving violently, the oxygen rushing to my head slowly subsiding the spinning of my sight only slowly.

A strange glint flashed behind Marcus’ eyes, the smile spreading over his face in stark contrast to the message he had just received. Tilting his head, the movement blurred before my eyes, the lack of oxygen making my head swim. “Thank you very much. I appreciate your… honesty.” He hesitated for just a second before his lips pulled up into something that was almost regretful, mockingly so, that had the anxiety inside me spike to unknown heights as he whispered.

“What a shame.”

 

Before I could do anything, Marcus pushed me backward and for a moment, I was suspended in time, weightless and all I saw was his face contorted in malicious glee, the deep satisfaction of a sadist. And then…

 

 My shoulder hit the stairs, my leg the wall, my head the railing and I fell deeper and faster, tumbling down an almost seemingly endless flight of stairs, knocking the wind out of me, every twist and turn multiplying the impacts by a thousand until suddenly… nothing.

Dazed, my body heavy.

Weightless, as if floating in water.

Dizzy, my brain fogging up.

Then, pain.

Indescribable agony, that had me gasp for air, fighting to not let the wave pull me back under.

A sharp burning in my shoulder, dull thudding in my head,

Pins prickling in my wrist that was twisted at an unnatural angle.

But the worst, the worst…

That agonizing feeling of being split in two, fire raging through my lower abdomen that couldn’t be doused, could not be contained, as if someone twisted a burning hot knife inside me, turning and turning until all that was left from me was just a little heap of ashes.

The last thing I noticed before drifting away, was a heavy set of boots stepping over me, leaving me on the floor while he disappeared through the front door.

* * *

 

Time was a vague thing and I couldn’t decipher how many minutes or hours passed until I regained consciousness, slowly fighting through the cotton in my head until I could feel my body again, my limbs filled with lead. Forcing my eyes open despite the dizziness, I came to face a grey wall, gaze trailing after the small crack that had formed over the years, stretching from the floor to about wait height splitting into two.   
At one place the plaster had fallen off, creating a small dent – a crack in the perfectly kept façade of the house.

I was just like that crack, the only visible imperfection inside this house that was haunted by the demons of the past. Eyes fluttering close, I could see them both – a mother with her brown hair swept up into an impeccable bun, sneaking small goods like a cookie to her young son before _he_ would come home. And the boy…

Such a handsome young man, maybe seven years old, his uniform too big for his lanky build, his brown hair – or was it dark blond? – ruffled.

The burden of being raised in this environment has left a stain on him, his antics not as happy or as energetic as it should be but for his mother, he always held a smile.

He was beautiful.

And he reminded me of someone… of something.

 

Forcing my eyes back open, I gathered all the energy I had left and turned my numb body around. As I landed on my back, my left arm that had moved with the momentum landed on the floor and a sharp spike of pain dispersed the fog in my brain, suddenly making everything clear again.

With a strangled gasp, I reached down with my right hand, the one that wasn’t broken, to find that I was lying in a puddle of liquid, fingers crimson red blurring before my eyes that were filling with tears.

“No, no, no no nonono…”

 

A spike of adrenalin gave me the strength to pull myself further up until my back was resting against the wall, no part of my body that didn't hurt. And I would never make it to the front door. For a moment, just a second, as the first strangled sob broke through my chest I thought that this was it. I would die in this godforsaken hallway, on the foot of the stairs. And my child with me. That was when I felt myself give up, just give in to the exhaustion trying to pull me under, my head falling to the side, my eyes to the back door.

The back door…

It was just in reach if I managed to pull myself up and the handle down. The handle… I had to get out.

 

My strangely angled arm towards my chest, I pulled myself forward, dragging myself over the floor that I had just swept this morning, a trail of blood following my every movement. To reach the handle, I had to stand up but my shoes were gliding through the blood, tripping me until I finally found my stand against the wall. I was glad my legs were working – even though I couldn’t feel them.

 

It was as if I was standing beside myself as I watched this pitiful creature stumbling through the door, leaving crimson red fingerprints on whatever she touched. Almost like King Midas but instead of turning the things I touched to gold they became rivers of blood, trying to drown me inside them.

My strength was limited, my feet only carrying me a few steps until I collapsed in the backyard, my figure veiled towards the other houses by the white linen sheets strapped onto the clothesline to dry. At least they would find me in the morning when they all came out to help one another take them off. The thought almost made me laugh.

 

Face pressed into the slightly moist grass, eyes dropping shot, I thought about my last day at dauntless before Max called me into his office to destroy my life. The way Eric´s skin felt under my fingers, his beard stubble leaving an itchy feeling of my neck as he kissed his way down, only stopping short, his sharp eyes meeting mine, veiled by desire.

I was back in that little alleyway, pressed against the supply building as he thrust inside me with the urgency of a starving man. But this time when he asked me to come back with him, to become his wife, instead of running away, I said yes.

Yes… I should have said yes. I should have told him about his child – our child. We could be a family by now, living in one apartment, inviting my parents to dinner, him just watching my exposed belly when we lay in bed at night, pointing out how big his little warrior was getting. Another future that would never be no matter how much I longed for it.

_God, I miss him so much…_

I wish, I –

 

“Casey?! Is that you?” A loud noise had my eyes squinting open – and that after I almost fell asleep. Whoever it was, stripped me from my peaceful rest and I turned my head to go back to sleep, muttering to my mother to let me sleep just a little longer. School wasn't that important. All we did these days was bet on other ways Uriah would get his ass handed to him from the faction history teacher. And of course, his way of retaliation.

But a sharp shaking startled me and when I forced my eyes back open, I came face to face with someone that was vaguely familiar.

 

Her defined face was sharp, almost bony as if she didn't get enough to eat, her straight midnight black hair framing her face, making her appearance hauntingly beautiful. Like an avenging angel.

“What the hell happened to you?” She muttered to herself but when my eyes threatened to fall back shut, she backhanded me with just enough force to had them fly back open. “You need to stay awake!” She ordered urgently and obedient, I shook my head, giving her a small smile, not quite understanding why she was so upset.

Head falling back into the grass, I stared into the darkening sky, losing myself in the abyss that was our universe.

 

She was still fumbling around my body, calling things to the figures appearing in extending shadows, the movements of her hands urgent but schooled. Seeing that my eyes had closed again, she slapped me again. “Casey! Stay with me!”

 

But I was long gone.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly can´t say if this chapter is widely poetic or absolute shit.. :D and please… don´t hate me too much, I said from the beginning that this won´t be a nice story… I´m also sorry for the long wait but the chapter was massive & my head sadly too occupied with other stuff to fully concentrate on writing.. I hope you like it either way!
> 
> Thanks for reading and reviewing!
> 
> Anna xx


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